Thought Sausage

This was brought to my attention today. This guy is such a fucktard that he's offensive.
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Besides the fact this guy sounds and looks like a caveman, I'm seriously having a tough time determining if this is legit. A $900,000 "music tour" (music tour?)? WTF is that? Now granted, in my days piling in a van, our burn rate on the road was more along the order of $100 per week, but bands we played with that had major label money behind them burned up to 300k a month and they sure as FUCK didn't have "5 star accomodations". I suppose their "internet downloading capabilities" weren't on par with Diamond Dave's studio either.

As if that video weren't enough, check out this guy's website (written in caveman-esque as well): http://diamondstudio.spaces.msn.com/ Basically, a stroll through the photo gallery of Diamond Dave's website made me spit beer all over my monitor more than once. The fact he took pains to take a picture of the Digidesign logo on his outboard little mixer really makes me think this might be a huge joke.

If that weren't bad enough, Diamond Dave also made a video to give you a tour of your hotel accomodations, which curiously look like a timeshare condo (WARNING: its very difficult to actually watch this the whole way through)
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Now, I'm not trying to knock a guy for promoting his project studio. But there's promoting, and then there's all out bullshit. Diamond Dave falls well into the latter.

This weekend I procured a new road bike (see pictures). I also took roadbike out for a spin in the back country of Iowa in 90 degree heat in the dead of afternoon (and 7:30 am this morning). Suffice to say, I'm ready for RAGBRAI next week. This year, I'm going to make a point to draft in the various pellatons barreling down the road. A group of 10 of us were able to sustain a 30mph average speed for nearly 35 miles (and that INCLUDES the post Maid Rite breakfast stop!). Said roadbike is a Trek 1000, which I've been eyeing for a few months. The Carbon fiber fork makes a HUGE difference. The fact that one of the toughest substances on earth can also have shock absorbtion and weigh next to nothing is fucking good. Since RAGBRAI this year is the 4th highest elevation in the history of the ride (and we're mid 30's here folks), methinks the carbon fork isn't gonna owe me a thing come two weeks from today.

Things to purchase before the weekend? A Co2 mini bike pump and spare tubes. Ian blew a tire last year, and I suspect I'll probably go that way as well (Trek 1000's come with a fairly durable Bontrager tire, not like the soft shit they use on Tour de France, but nevertheless, we're covering 444 miles next week on some hot asphalt).

I ain't gonna lie to ya kids, I'm stoked about this ride...the sophmore outing for Team Spokeasy is gonna be badass! We've definitely assembled a fun bunch.

Ah, mid summer....that time of year when 22-23 year old boy/girl fancies turn to obtaining that first job out of college. Usually towards the end of any winter, spring or summer semester, emails magically appear in my inbox from universities in Iowa and now Illinois (this began occuring after I apparently had some drunken conversation with a prof @ the U of I during SES 2004 Chicago). The emails are spawned by enterprising young scamps casting that wide net in hopes of somebody leading them to that coveted first job out of college. Now I've been there. Granted, my path certainly wasn't the beaten one, but I remember that anxiety of having to actually _DO SOMETHING_ (although at that point, playing music constantly wasn't entirely impossible since I was living on a porch paying 150 a month in rent). The "Wet-behind-the-ears-newbie" space is definitely competitive. Colleges unleash a few hundred thousand of these graduates each semester onto us unsuspecting companies.

Now, I partially blame the colleges. I had a conversation with my mom about this today. I grabbed two degrees in business related fields before I bid adieu to the University of Northern Iowa. Neither of them have provided me much insight that guides what I do today (other than the odd insights from professors about 'when you are in the real world...'). My mom contends that even though the knowledge obtained in college is somewhat standardized and certainly doesn't qualify an individual to be an expert in a field, its the experience of being in college that makes the pursuit of a degree worthwhile (obviously, this only applies to undergrad people). Now, I'll be honest, more than once I've sat in meetings with a bunch of suits babbling in scholarly terms (blah blah blah, customer retention, blah blah blah adoption process, blah blah standard deviation of purchasing times) and after awhile it starts to sound like a mano a mano vocabulary fisticuffs where efficiency is thrown out the window.

I could go on and on about the various shortcomings in the higher education system in America. But suffice to say, when kids get out of school, they are ready to flex their muscles and take their newly acquired certification that says they know something about whatever is printed on their diploma out for a spin. This is fine. But there's a difference between wanting to use your skillz and out and out arrogance. If you sound like an arrogant college grad, you most certainly WON'T be getting hired anytime soon. We were all in your shoes once, and we know first hand how very naive you really are. After a few years in the real world, you start to realize that there's "the way it is taught" and then there's "the way shit actually happens". The better you are at aligning yourself with the latter, the more successful you'll be, and that's a fact. You know absolutely nothing about "the way shit actually happens" because you haven't really been there when said shit is happening (and don't think for one second your semester or two as an intern at an agency means you know fuck all about anything).

I know I'm somewhat jaded, but here's a list of things that should be observed when preparing that resume and casting that net in hopes of obtaining gainful employment:

1. Don't be a fucktard. Fucktards are people who are fucks that act retarded. I have literally recieved emails that have sentences like "I was wonderin if u had any openins in your marketing dept. Thanks man!". O RLY? Well, chatting to your girlfriend on AIM is one thing, but when networking with people who will invest a sizeable chunk of money in your dictation-impaired ass, we like to at least know spelling and grammer were included in that education of yours MAN.

2. Along the lines of rule ..1, spell check your fucking resume before you send it. Your resume is basically the first impression anybody will have of you. This should be the most pristine document you've conjured EVAR. If you can't even get the spelling right on this, what's gonna happen when you have to churn out a 20-30-40-50-1000k project for a client?

3. Putting a salary expectation on your resume or cover letter when you have no history is the last thing you should do when seeking a job (right below walking into the office and jacking off on the carpet). If you're talking how much money you think your worth before you've even met us, we've pegged you as a disloyal job-hopper. We also think you're an arrogant naive dumbass.

4. Put "references available upon request"...don't assume you've gotten to the background/references stage just because you sent a resume. Plus, this is a good way to get human resources talking to you, and assuming you're not a complete fuck on the phone (which would mean you're probably not going to get hired anyway), gives you one more chance to show what a fine young upstart you are.

5. Follow-up emails are fine. One email to me everyday makes me think you're somewhat desparate. Multiple emails everyday for 2 weeks makes me think you're a creepy lonely little virgin. I probably don't want to work with you.

6. Perception is 9/10 of the game. That means you need to be putting your best food forward. Fudging a bit is expected (but not out and out bullshit, make sure you know the difference...if you're unsure..see the previous blog entry for a demo of what 'out and out bullshit' is). But if you worked at Chili's while in college, 'tended bar' is NOT an "accomplishment".

7. Not that I give a shit, but it would be to your advantage to take all the metal out of your face and dye your hair a natural color (see: not fire red, and not grape).

It has taken me three days of recovery to properly recount the activities of the last week. For about two days, I felt like somebody took a bunch of pennies, threw them in a sock and beat me with it for a good couple hours. On top of that, my computer decided it was going to gasp its last breath SUnday night. So its on its way back to San Francisco to be formatted (surely I'll catch hell for this next time I'm in fogtown).

For those of you who don't know RAGBRAI occured last week. This is where you get on a bicycle and ride it across Iowa. Along the way you consume as many alcoholic beverages as humanely possible, while enduring the 100 degree weather and seemingly hilly Iowa countryside (think its flat? You won't after you power your own arse through it). You are joined by about 30,000 equally insane individuals. 7 days of madness, drunken insanity, heat exhaustion test every facet of stimuli a human can endure. And this year, I can safely say we definitely raised the bar.

So after that ride, I find myself viewing last week in a haze. All the days 'n activities run together. SOMEHOW Carson was able to parse out the highlights of the days. To me after about the 3rd day, it starts to play out like Groundhog Day, that movie with Bill Murray where he keeps doing the same shit everyday.

-wake up with a pounding headache
-ride 10 miles to alleviate headache
-get really hot
-eat a Farm Boys breakfast burrito
-pound the bike really hard
-douse in water
-eat Tender Toms Turkey
-pound the bike hard
-douse in beer
-pound the bike really hard
-arrive at camp and drink till you can't feel feelings
-awake the next morning on either a golf course or under the bus

Rinse/Repeat

Somewhere in there I took 3 showers. None of which were real showers. I even had to use the car soap in a carwash for one of them (I considered using the tire foam because it seemed like a good way to add a nice shine to my epidermis).

The theme for this year was "What happens on the ride stays on the ride". That's a bunch of shit if you are partying in the host towns for RAGBRAI in this year of our lord 2006. Cos if 'standing around town square with families' is your idea of shit that should stay on the ride, you probably have no business riding the ride to begin with. Nope, if you RLY want to experience RAGBRAI the way the good lord intended, you get your ass about five miles out of town and find the off route parties. This is where it happens. Wanna lick a temp tattoo of a shamrock on a random girl's arse or breasticle? DONE. Wanna strike up a conversation with another rider only to watch him get tackled jackass style before your eyes? This is the spot. Wanna stand in cramped confines with half naked women, some from town some from the ride, and drink 75 cent draw beer (or free if you're partying with a sponsored team) while orgies occur 5 feet in every direction until 5am? Ain't happenin in the host town.

For shame too. A ride of this size (some 30,000 strong) is bound to draw some attention. The beauty of riding through backwoods Iowa is that until the rest of the world pays attention, shit just happens. Ever read that book or see the movie "The Lottery"? Same thing. Well now Lance Armstrong has taken his cancer-crusade to our fair event. The result? A slew of mainstream media and big company money who want to clean up the image of this ride. Oh sure, its always gonna be about the drink, but that ain't how this shit works. Lance announced in one of the towns that he would be riding all next year (he did two days this year). What can we expect from that? I'd say probably 10,000 additional god-fearing biker wannabe's with those "Live STrong" bracelets who will be shocked 'n awe'd by the insanity we conjur. And by shocked 'n awe'd, I really mean "Will-bitch-and-moan" to any newspaper, child, man, rabbi, priest, conspiracy theorist in earshot. Ya can't blame Lance..afterall, all he wants to do is ride. But this ride has gone on for 34 years now, and we've thrown down hardcore since day one (well those before me). More than once I've heard 20+ year vets of the ride say if Lance rides again, the ensuing circus will guarantee that they will not show.

I believe Corey Taylor summed up the essence of RAGBRAI when discussing Iowa in general:

"I remember the first time I ever went to a Hollywood party in 1998. I just remember looking around at these people. We were wandering around like outsiders thinking, "This is it? This is what we heard about and this is what we dreamed of doing and this is it?" It was really banal. It was almost horrifying. It really hammered home to me that I would rather be in Iowa. I'd rather be in Iowa at a real party where people don't have all the stuff that the east coast or the west coast has. So when we have a party, we throw down. We really go for it, because who knows when you're going to have another opportunity?"

Truer words couldn't be spoken. At RAGBRAI, we straight up go for it. You hear about frat kids dying from binge drinking...we straight up assume deaths will be incurred during our party. If we can pull the ride off for under 3, we call that a good year.

Now I'm not advocating that people drink till they die, just trying to make the point that RAGBRAI has always been a hardcore not-for-kids-or-faint-of-heart party. Cops routinely told the miller lite chicks not to announce that chicks should flash them to earn beads or they'd be arrested for "inciting a riot". This NEVER would have happened 10 years ago. And I would be willing to bet if Lance rides next year, they'll actually get arrested.

Sorry mainstream america, I gotta call bullshit on you here. RAGBRAI should fall under the "if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen" file. We aren't bringing our drunken bullshit to your front door, we're bringing it to middle-of-nowhere Iowa. And seeing as how we've been doing it for 34 years, I don't think Iowa has any particular beefs about it.

So drink up or get the fuck out pussies!

Bill Maher has made my shitlist. I never really liked the guy. His sense of humor is about as dry as that geeky kid who sat in front of you in high school math class that tried his 'topical' humor out on you. His show is about as edgy as Cher live in concert, and he seems to be making a career out of spouting off as many "so-last-week" one-liners against the right wing as can be crammed into whatever spigot of exposure the man can muster in a given week. There are some seriously witty left wing peeps out there. Bill Maher ain't one of 'em. Put this guy in the same room as Jello Biafra or Henry Rollins for a half hour and you'd probably open the door to find Jello and Henry laughing their asses off while Bill sits in the corner in a fetal position sucking his thumb. Of course, that's the sort of thing that happens when you put two scamps who got their starts fronting bands called THE DEAD KENNEDYs and BLACK FLAG against a guy who got his start in a movie with Gene Simmons Wife called Cannibal Women in the Green Avacado Jungle of Death. Dorkussayswhat?

I've long since come to the conclusion that the secret to being a successful talking head on either side of the fence is to figure out how out-there and unrealistic you can make yourself appear to be, and eventually, there will be money at the end of the path. Ann Coulter is the same way (these two assclowns used to date too if you can believe that). I would wager even though neither of these people have an iota of the education John Shelby Spong, who actually has a genuine liberal message, they sell 10x as many books. I think this is largely due to the fact that America has been so bombarded with dribble and nonsense that they've reduced to levels of apathy where they actually _prefer_ talking heads like Bill Maher over seeking out messages from people that actually have something to say. This same argument is how I explain why more people watch professional wrestling in America than soccer.

So fast forward to last night. Bill Maher was on Jay Leno. So was Floyd Landis (and Stone Sour was the musical guest, which is why I was watching Leno in the first place). Bill came out and said the same little one-liners he's said about George Bush he's been saying for 2 years now (picking on the president the way Bill Maher does is like picking on a retarded kid...you'd think he'd try to say something fresh since its, well, not that hard).

Enter Floyd. Mr. Landis, for those of you who don't know, won the Tour De France this year. However, it was revealed two days later that he had abnormally high levels of testoserone in his drug test. Furthermore, they re-tested him (well actually, they retested the sample) and once again, he failed the test. So obviously its looking like the odds are he's done some doping. There's a lot of points on both side of the fence, but basically, Floyd is out doing the rounds in the media to explain his point of view. Leno was pretty nuetral. Floyd didn't really say anything that made me lean one way or the other. Bill sat there quietly the whole time, but started mumbling every so often. Perhaps its because I empathize with Floyd because I can imagine how much negative press he's probably getting bombarded with. To his credit, the guy managed to keep a positive vibe about himself the whole show. Perhaps its because I just got done riding a bike across a state with 30,000 other riders who most definitely give a shit about cycling. But when Bill Maher cut Floyd off mid sentence and blurted out:

"WHY ARE WE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TALKING ABOUT A SPORT NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT?!!"

I wanted to punch that asshole in his arrogant little pussy. Bill then went on this rant about how cycling is the most boring event ever (cos you know, Politically Incorrect is so goddamned action-packed). He's lucky I didn't win the tour de france, fail two piss tests and end up on Leno because I probably would have. Floyd had a look of disbelief on his face, the audience made some sort of gasp noise and even Jay told Bill that wasn't cool. Then they proceeded to make a bunch of jokes about how Bill has never passed a drug test in his life.

Seriously who the fuck is Bill impressing with shit like that? First of all, that absolutely is untrue, cycling is huge. Globally, its the 3rd most watched sport in the world behind Formula racing and soccer. Secondly, who the fuck is Bill Maher to step on Floyd's dick while he's out talking about something far more current (cos it took place last week, not two months ago) than Bill ever has.

Bill Maher is just as big an attention whore as every pundit on the right, and he almost annoys me even more because he thinks he's funny. At least on the right, those pundits are funny because they think they are serious. Maher just plain annoys me. Witness this zinger from last night:

"You know the sad thing about Terry Schiavo is that after the plug was pulled, another brain dead woman actually gave birth. I was stunned. About the only thing I could say was 'congratulations Britney'"

He then put his hand up to his mouth and sort of ducked his head, as if he had just said something way more edgy and offensive than anything the general public had heard lately. If by general public, he means Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and other people who haven't been alive for the past two years, I would say he might be onto something.

Congrats Bill, I don't even have a video for you, but you officially have earned the Dave McAnally 'Fucktard of the Week' award.

Just fired this off to 7-Eleven:

Dear 7-Eleven,

I have been shopping at your stores ever since I moved to this new place and you are across the street. I work from home so I usually grab a sandwich or something for lunch. I am a big fan of your gatorade and turkey sandwich selections, however I do have one request. I like Chef Boyardee Ravioli, but sometimes it gets a little old. I also like the Franco American brand stuff, but I noticed 7-Eleven only carries Chef Boyardee products. I would be a really happy camper if you carried Franco American Ravioli alongside the Chef Boyardee stuff. You might also want to think about stocking the Chef Boyardee 'Jumbo' Ravioli. Its a little spicier and you get a lot more of that imitation meat in each piece.

I would appreciate it if you could look into this matter.

Thanks!
Dave

PS-Keep up the good work on the Tombstone pizza

Once again your hero is sitting in Chicago's very own monument to stupidity (O'Hare). This is my first post-gel-bomb flight and I have to be honest, it was quite painless. The security line wasn't really all that much longer. The typical dipshit brigade was staffing terminal 3's checkpoint. This time around, the security of our carry on luggage was entrusted to a crusty old man with coke-bottle glasses that didn't look like he could detect the broad side of a barn, let alone a tiny bottle of hair gel. Where do they find these people? Nevertheless, this specimen-of-the-New-Deal studied every piece of luggage for a solid 2 minutes before letting it pass. I could certainly see how this could create security delays. Fortunately for me, the line was only about 30 people deep so it wasn't entirely lame. Of course, a trip through airport security wouldn't be complete without Johnny Suede Shoes who is appalled at the notion of having to take his shoes off. This time Johnny was directly in front of me and thought since he wasn't wearing socks he'd get some sort of foot fungus if he walked 10 steps barefoot across the O'Hare floor. The half-man/half-turtle creature watching the walk-through detector politely told him Homeland Security doesn't give a shit about his foot hygiene. After the two went back and forth on the issue, the man finally took his shoes off and walked his ass through the detector unscathed.

This week? Well a huge presentation is on the docket for Thurs. This one involves me conducting a seminar for a client which will take 3 hours. I'm bustin out the big guns for this one. This is straight up info-tainment folks! We got exercises, we got some super fly slides, about the only thing I'm missing is a soundtrack (and believe me, I've mulled the idea over). The goal here is to knock this one out of the park and replicate the process to other clients. We teach cos we can't do folks. Actually, we do, and we do very fucking good...hence the business.

Other than that, we gots us a ton of pages to crank out for a site audit. The minions are gonna bring the thunder on this one. We got a talented bunch over there in fogtown yes maam. we're like the A-Team of site optimization. I am putting in a purchase request for a godzilla costume, 82 GMC Cargo Van and a Corvette this week.

I arrive back in Chicago Saturday morning @ 9am. Plenty of time before I destroy all internal organs via a Cubs Game and me being on a Rooftop within viewing distance in the company of peeps I haven't seen in years. I pity the fool who has to pick me up off the floor.

Also, if you haven't already, please check out our AIDS Fund page here: http://www.aidsmarathon.com/participant.asp?runner=CH-9715&EventCode=HN06

Seriously if everybody who is subscribed to this blog throws down 10 bucks, we'll have met our goal. How cool is that? The AIDS Foundation of Chicago is a mighty fine cause as well. Unlike a lot of charities who have a ton of overhead and don't really help anybody, this one actually has a direct line with AIDS patients so if you throw in 10 bucks, literally 9 dollars of that will go straight to AIDS patients. Not a lot of overhead here. Plus its 100% tax deductible! So do it up! Even if ya don't, I'll still love you, but will god?

After a discussion with Carson (aka Ian) this afternoon, it occured to me that I spend a disproportionate amount of time criticizing things on the left. While I never really thought of myself as a pro right wing person (I'm a no-wing kinda guy), I realized that I'm not helping my case.

Well folks the fact of the matter is that I never really bother talking about the fringe right because most of them are so whacked out of their god fearing, profiteer-war-having gords that, well quite honestly, I don't even know where to begin. At least with the fringe left, they make some attempt to base their positions in logic, which I can critique. But how do you argue with somebody who says abortion or stem cell research is wrong because their God (the same compassionate jehovah who ordered the death of all first born egyptian children in the fourth dynasty of egypt and called for the cannites to be wiped off the face of the earth...right after their women were "taken for wives"...that's RAPE in antiquity-talk) says each life is sacred? Or the republican senators in the southern states who say the homosexual agenda is undermining 'traditional family values' when their states consistently report the highest cases of domestic abuse in the country? Or is it really necessary for me to point out the inherent fallacies in the agenda of a party who, as little as 5 years ago had a speaker who praised a former segregationalist presidential candidate and said (in front of the country) that "maybe if (strom thurmond) were president, we wouldn't have all these problems we have today".

I do see some strategic logic in trying to base the war on terrorism somewhere other than America. How this is fair to Iraq is beyond me (as Saddam Hussein was actually somewhat good at keeping Al Qaeda out of his business since the Iraq/Iran war...not that saddam was a good person or anything). But as a lot of other people have pointed out, utilizing the war to leverage the fear vote when the majority of the country is opposed to the war not only doesn't work, but it furthers the inherent sense of distrust and suspiscion that has been dogging the current administration since 'the war on terra' began.

Nope, in all honesty, it just about gives me a migraine headache sinking down to the levels required to bitch about Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh (although I like the way he pronounces 'liberals', its like there's only one vowel..say it LIBRLS!) or Bill O'Reilly. The only sensible right wing people keep their mouths shut about social issues and pander more to economics. And at this stage of the game, even those people's "what the hell sensors" are going off every other week. They aren't out writing best selling books people my grandpa's age read because they are afraid of what 'the queers' are going to do to push AIDS to the forefront of the medical world next (as if Bill O'Reilly has the inside scoop).

So I just let those clowns do their thing. What the fuck am I going to say or do that anybody who would give me the time of day isn't already thinking/saying? Is there any post-copernican, post-freudian, post-darwinian person in the world who would pay attention to me that is afraid of the Lebanon-Israeli conflict because "that's when Jesus is going to come back"? If so, PM me and I'll set my arguments to "kindergarten". Until then, I figure most sane rational people don't need to hear one more rational person point out how idiotic this view is.

BUT-that's not to say I think the left is all peachy either. In fact, I know I've made that clear. Whoever doesn't have the power spends every ounce of energy trying to convince America that all their problems are caused by the other guy. Don't believe me? Look at the Clinton administration. Even though Newt was running his sideshow, the republicans would honestly have you believe that the reason America's economy was on the verge of a recession was because the president got his dick sucked by a hosebeast of an intern. Or if you son or daughter came out of the closet, it was because they were living under a "Sexually immoral" administration (god I wish I knew more gay people when the pundits were running that notion up the flagpole). Oh, and Clinton is late for every meeting. Even Larry King says so.

Nevertheless...I've decided to go an entire week of laying off the left and only criticizing (although its like picking on a retard) the cockammy bullshit the likes of Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, or Rumsfeld, Bush, 'Condi' or whatever get-jesus-or-die special interest group says (NOTE-it has to actually cross my radar...I'm not going out looking for these dipshits).

Pray Tell my Head doesn't explode.

It's 4:45am....do you know where your children are?

I've been up all night. Rather than attempt to get to O'hell in the morning, I went ahead and trained it here last night around 12:30am. Camped out on a bench out front, which I'm sorry to say isn't the first time (and probably not the last). Getting here when O'hare opens for business is a spectacle in of itself. It's like some grand opening parade, but instead of a grand marshall, a 4'0" tall man with a TSA coat wanders up and down the cattle line reciting the same Homeland Security Bullshit that was blaring over the loudspeaker @ 3am this morning (and threatening to prevent me from sleeping). That speech is amusing. As you are no doubt aware, you are no longer permitted to bring liquids of any kind on a plane. Now there are some caveats to that. Baby formula is okay, but no more than 8oz's. Prescription medicine is a go too, so long as your name is on the prescription. Deodorants, chapstick and personal hygiene effects of that substance are also permissable. The amusing part to me is that the announcement then takes the time to suggest some other "substances" that may fall into the "deodorant-consistency" realm. Crew Cream was thrown out as an example (who the fuck still uses that?), as was some other shit I've never heard of. The entire message takes about a minute and a half to play through, and the tiny little man in the coat knew every single second of it. Word for word, enunciation by enunciation. From what I can tell, this is how that little man will spend the next 9 hours of his day. And you thought YOUR job was dull. Har har har!

So I was privy to being 2nd in line today. For those of you who've never been at O'hell when it first opens, keep it that way. Even at 4:30am the stupidity amazed me. First they parade everyone through an egregiously long maze (you know, the roped off things you see at banks and every other airport). Once it is about one hundred people deep, a largish woman with pants that look like they fit her three previous lives ago begins sectioning and resectioning off this little maze. She tripped up twice and had to "start over". By the end of it, she had taken a long-yet-routed line and turned it into a convoluted gigantic clusterfuck that, were I in at a carnival, I would expect to win a prize for getting all the way through. The fatal flaw in her poorly engineered labrynth was that she put in 5 (FIVE) areas where the line would feed into security. If there were 5 corresponding security checkpoints, this might make sense. However, we only had two available. At this time of morning, I, and probably most people in the line are not equipped to deal with these problems. This resulted in a clusterfuck of tired people aimlessly wandering to one of the two lines. Being the savvy people the dipshit brigade @ O'hare is, they solved this problem by designating one of the troops to stand in the middle of the floor and say "Go to the closest station to you". This statement neglected the obvious physics that 5 lines and 2 checkpoints poses. Nevertheless, I cut somebody and got through.

So where I am I going? Why NYC of course! I'll be here today for a meeting at 11 (pray tell I can get from LaGuardia to mid-Manhattan by then). Actually, this puts me pretty close to Times Square. I think if you haven't been to New York you should see Times Square. Kind of like if you've never been to Chicago, you should at least go to the Signature Lounge and have a drink. But after seeing it, Times Square has to be the single most plastic contrived wad of gawdy bullshit north of Disneyworld. I don't even know if I can properly describe it other than to say, if you took Justin Timberlake, Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne, a Japanese game show and somehow melded them all into a single building, what you would end up with would be the McDonalds in Times Square (you know, that one that looks like it should be in Tokyo). Sadly, I'll probably be eating a McRib there before the day is through

Of course, Carnegie's Deli is just a few blocks north of that seizure inducing section of town. If time permits, I may cruise up there and have a cow with two crackers on the end.

The client I'm meeting with today is a largish techie firm that sells solutions to problems you didn't know you had. From what I understand, if they decide to throw the gauntlet down on this project...I'll be spending ever MORE time in the most expensive city in the union. At some point or another, I may have to set aside my disdain for New York and make friends with that town.

Boy howdy this was a fucking day for the record. Upon boarding the plane, a monsoon decided to lumber its way into the far northwest end of Chicago...and O'hare ain't too hip to fueling and stocking a plane with lightning around. So we had to wait for 45 FUCKING MINUTES until they deemed it safe. Then, once we got out of the gate, the pilot announced that "we're going to wait until the showers die down before take off". Joy. Now I'm starting to think I may miss this meeting, but I'm going to New York no matter what. I decide to email the boys in NYC and inform them of this state of affairs and assure them I will call as soon as I land.

when we did land, the pilot then announced that "we hadn't been cleared to go to the gate" yet, so we had to sit out on the tarmac AGAIN! Of all the days to be delayed at every juncture, this was not the one I'd pick. Basically I was fucked. I called the rest of the crew and basically said I'd join the meeting late if I had to (an entrance I'm oh so fond of making).

I joined the meeting about a half hour late, did a 20 minute song and dance about myself and then hopped on a bus and headed back to Laguardia. Yes, I was in new york for a grand total of about a half hour. LAMENESS

New things are gonna be happenin around these parts. We're taking it to the next level! More details soon

yesterday was a summation of all the training that has been going on since May. Roly and I ran the Accenture Triathlon.

Muscles? Sore...although not as bad as I thought I'd be. My shoulders feel like I've been toting a 200 pound frame pack for a week through the rockies.

All in all, it went pretty well. Now that I've had a day to recover, I'm definitely going to do it again next year (and probably somme other events).

Part of the trick to a triathlon is accurately gauging how hard to do each event. You can't over exert yourself early on, else you won't have the energy to kick ass on the back half. The saying our coaches threw around all summer was "you can't win a triathlon but you can lose it in the swim". Bearing this in mind, I went ahead swam fairly moderately. Still ended up first in my wave to finish the swim. That went well. The area they had us swim was full of seaweed so that was, well, gross.

Transitioning to the bike was fairly easy. I knew I could either pound the bike REALLY hard, but this being my first time through a triathlon, I kept about a "level 2" pace for it so I'd have energy for the run (which is definitely my weakest area). I hovered between 20 and 23 mph pretty much the whole time. I ended up riding with a U of I grad student and we bullshitted about this that and the other for the most part. I probably could have been around 23-25 and shaved some time off my cycle but I was in long-ride mode.

The run pretty much sucked for me. I have to be the slowest motherfucker on the planet. My ankles were killing me, despite all the training (for this and the marathon in December). I've decided to make it my winter project to become a faster runner. Longer stride, better use of body movement etc etc. In short, I can't do this steamroller shit next year.

By the end of the run I was about dead. It took about all I had to drag my carcass to the finish line. Its pretty cool finishing an event like that. Everyone goes nuts. Pics can be seen over on http://www.drewzilla.org .

Altogether, I think I swam something like 20 miles this summer, have run about 200, and including ragbrai, have certainly biked over 1000. Almost half of that was done in various hotels in San Francisco or New York City. But statistics really do no justice to describing what it takes to do something like this. Especially for somebody like me. Last summer, my typical complaints were things like "man, I only have 100 bucks tonight to go out! I better get good and tanked here at home first!" and "3pm is when everyone is going to the beach? Man I'll have to set the alarm for noon!". This summer, my complaints were more on the order of "well, I'd like to go out to meet you tonight but I have a mile swim at 7am tomorrow morning" or "Well I'd like to put away 30 miles, but the fucking streets around my apartment look like the craters on the moon".

There were people who went well above the call to help Roly and I along and support us or cheer us on. I made new friends and new enemies. But all in all, when everything is said and done, I can say I did something that most people can't do...we trained on the road and at home with zero base and in 3 months ran and did rather well for our first triathlon and anyone that chickened out or said it wasn't possible or doubted us can just go fuck themselves. We did it and they didn't and that's what it all comes down to.

Take everything you knew about political fucktards and throw it out the window. Katherine Harris from Florida trumps all. This week, she announced in Miami (Miami of all places?) that voters need to elect Christian politicians or else secular politicians will "legislate sin". Sin, according to Katherine and her god include gay marriage and abortion. You expect to hear shit like this from talking heads like Michael Medved, but from an actively campaigning politician? In the coke capital of the country? Dear baby jesus....

Click here for the article and a particularly bitchy country-club-membership-havin' picture of Katherine.

Her campaign attempted a damage control by pointing out that Katherine was addressing a christian audience, whom apparently were completely flustered by the notion of seperation of church and state. Among the gems Katherine apparently threw out include:

-our founding fathers did not envision a secular nation (lucky for us, they did envision a nation that could adjust to social and technological advancements relatively quickly and painlessly. I doubt the founding fathers envisioned a nation that would have an "air force", "NAACP" or "internet" either)

-"If you are not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin" (I love how the article goes on to point out this same woman has come under fire for accepting 32k in illegal campaign contributions...wasn't there some character that got paid to rat out Jesus in that big 'ol bible? Peter something or other? Didn't that guy hang himself?).

-My personal favorite: "(katherine was) speaking to a Christian audience, addressing a common misperception that people of faith should not actively be involved in the government". I'm sorry but, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What the fuck God-judges-sinners-this and Jesus-loves-me-that Christian doesn't have an opinion on political EVERYTHING? Christians have been poking their ass in legislation that affects them in no way whatsoever (re: gay marriage, abortion) ever since the government attempted to officially separate church and state. Unless you've been living under a political rock for the past 6 years, you are no doubt aware that the GOP would basically be non-existant if it weren't for the legions of god-fearing-faggot-hating-album-censoring pumping money/support into it.

Katherine (since I'm sure you read this), its like this dig? Your "Judeo-Christian" values aren't being held in question by any non-christian politicians (you share a party with a few Jewish representatives). You represent thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of non-christians in your state including muslims, jews, buddists, agnostics who really don't give a fuck (and shouldn't have to) what goes on with you and baby haysoos. They voted for you to represent them (well, at least we think they did, I heard something about a recount in 2000 that many suspect was corrupt, who was that? Oh wait...). Your lack of representing 'we the people' with bullshit statements like the ones in that article are what engender the 'non-christian' crowd to shun the church in the first place.

All in all, it looks like it'll be curtains for Katherine in November anyway....good fucking riddance.