Thought Sausage

Well for me that ain't happening. This is easily one of the most unproductive days of the year for me. And its only Wednesday. Next week I'll be in San Francisco again so there's a good chance I'll actually get _something_ done. Wow

So you are probably well aware of John Kerry's rather poorly timed "botched" joke. WTF is that all about? See here if you haven't yet. A botched joke is when you get the rabbi and the priest mixed up. Not when you say if you don't study you end up in Iraq (whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean).

Of course, this has pretty much all the talking heads in a tizzy because the elections are right around the corner. Some people think John Kerry single handedly botched the chances the dems had of taking control of the senate and house.

Now that may or may not be true (but it makes a convenient scapegoat doesn't it?). What is true is the following: GOP=Bad dudes. But that doesn't automatically make democrats 'Good People". Vote however you want, but don't forget that no matter how you vote, you're fucked.

I've decided that the best outcome we can hope for is one party controlling one branch and the other controlling the other. So if the democrats get control of the house and/or senate, we need a republican president and vice versa. Absolute power ends up corrupting whoever has it, as history has shown. So basically, whoever has control on November 8th will determine who I vote for in 2008.

I made the jump into electric shavers today. Just got back from Target (and dominicks where I saved 11 bucks thanks to the dominicks card thank you very much) from where I obtained socks and a Norelco 7735x Cool Skin Rechargeable Cordless Tripleheader Razor. This decision came about when I realized that if I the electric one would pay for itself in a matter of a couple months after I went through the 10 dollar 4 cartridge pack of razors. So 90 bucks poorer, and there ya go. Its blue and looks not unlike some futuristic dildo with a clit tickler. It is also waterproof, which the good folks of Norelco go to great pains to point out what with all the suction cup bullshit and liberal use of clear plastic (for some reason, translucent plastic implies water proofiness).

It's sitting on the cradle charging right now, but I went ahead and did a test shave (James Hetfield style natch). Insofar, I think this is gonna work. Its got 3 flexible blades which is good cos my face has a few hard angles. It also comes with a bunch of gel but Drew says you don't need that shit unless you're a straight pussy. And we ain't having that in this casa! It did come with a pretty cool carrying case, which is nice cos I'll be taking this fucker to SF believe you me.

But having said that, I do already have one beef with the way the damned thing was packaged. You see these things in stores with the huge boxes and gawdy bullshit all over 'em. It literally took me 10 minutes, a nasty cut on my palm and a knife to get the goddamned thing out of its little shrine. Is this really fucking necessary? Who the fuck are they protecting this razor from? Do I get some prize for getting this thing? You know that seal plastic shit? This thing has like 3 layers of it. I know you, my reader, probably has no pull with Norelco to ease up on those packaging hammers, so I decided to track down an email on their website. The following is what I sent to Norelco:

Dear Mr. Norelco,

Today I purchased your 7735x Rechargeable Cordless Tripleheader Razor. While I haven't had a chance to use it yet, believe me, I'll put it through its paces because I haven't shaved in almost a week! I tested it a little oh my cheeks and I'm confident it will suffice for my requirements.

I do have an issue I would like you to consider for future buyers. While I understand our country is at terror level orange, I do not believe it is necessary to extend this security level to your razor packaging. It took me 10 minutes to open the box (which, if you will see, is clear with 3 layers of that super sealant plastic stuff). I had to use a knife, and I cut my palm on the inside of your plastic, which is pretty sharp when cut with a knife. While I understand the value of flashy packaging, with all the choices we have in razors today (I seriously considered the General Electric, of equal flare in its packaging), I believe this can be accomplished without making the consumer battle the box when they get it home. Could you look into selling this product with a cardboard box? I've seen some pretty flashy cardboard boxes out there that are very effective in marketing a product. You could even put a little plastic window on the front so people could see the razor. This would really reduce people's post purchase dissonance and keep their focus on enjoying the 'close as a blade' experience.

I would be happy to provide additional input if needed.

Thank you for your consideration!

Dave McAnally

PS-thanks for including the carrying case!

I got this from "Mike" at Norelco today:

Thank you for your recent email.

We want you to know that we appreciate you taking the time to convey your opinion and will be more than happy to pass along your comments.
We always value any type of feedback our consumers have regarding our products and services.

Thank you,

Mike
Customer Service
On Line Store for Philips

I replied with:

Mike,

Thank you for your email. Hey just in case, who were you going to forward it to? If you'd like I can send it to them directly. That way they'll be able to respond to me directly. Just as a suggestion, you may want to forward it to Mr. Norelco or the VP of Marketing so this project gets started right at the top. I was talking to a friend of mine this morning who said it took him 45 minutes to get his out of the plastic shrine, but he had scissors (I lent my pair to the neighbor, and haven't seen them since). So obviously I'm not the only one who has this problem.

While you are at it, I came up with another suggestion. Can you make a case that also fits the charger? The reason I ask is because it would be nice to keep the two together when I travel. You could even make a little side pocket for it. Other than that, the case is great!

Thanks!

Dave McAnally

I got this email from "Sue" today:

Dear Mr.McAnally,
Thank you again for your recent email. If you wish to speak to someone from the company direct, you may call 1-800-243-3050 and you would need to say transfer to agent; as it is a voice activated system.

Thank you,
Sue
Consumer Services
Online store for Philips

Meh, this isn't really fun anymore. I'm not gonna call, but hey, I think I got my point across!

Even though this pretty much pertains specifically to Iowa politicians, this guy makes some really good points about political ads.

Wow, I'm early on this week.

This actually got sent to a friend of mine who runs a record label (Positron Records) with the following note:

I'm a vocalist in the Houston area ready to break out into the big time. I have a game plan I believe will take me to the top of Billboard...and allow me to be a frequent visitor over the next decade. I'm looking for a record company that would like to take this ride with me. I've included the link to my music video on Google.

I remember my days of sending hundreds of CDs off to unsuspecting labels hoping to "get signed". I suppose it makes it even funnier when you consider the fact that Positron is a label that puts out electronica. At least we researched the label before we pounced on 'em. 100 bucks says this guy is "that guy" at karaoke who brings his own songs, has choreography and if you ask him, he'll tell you all about how "he's gonna make it". About as sad as it is fucking hilarious really

Well you can certainly hold him in contempt for putting out some shitty records in the late 70's and early 80's, but you can't say Alice Cooper has shitty taste in cars

Good fucking god that's straight car porn right there. I can only imagine the agony that goes along with parting with one of these, but from the bid, it looks like he's building an Eleanor. Man for a guy who made his fortune pretending to get his head cut off every night, the Coop has been doing quite well for himself. Hot fucking damn!

Anybody who knows me knows I have been and always will be a dyed in the wool hardcore David Bowie fan. I've been looking for my live DVD that this clip comes from for awhile, but it looks like it was a casualty of my last move (which sucks). This is an acoustic version of Loving the Alien, where Bowie basically just up and drops some serious science in one of those "makes your hairs stand up on end" type performances. This is science U2 has been trying to drop on you with the various ways they've tried to arrange One, but well, he's David fucking Bowie and you aren't Bono. Gonna hafta live with that...

Welp, it appears at least EVERYTHING that comes out next year won't be a big bowl of gay. Jimmy Page says he's going to record another (presumably) solo album next year. Now, I happened to be a big fan of Coverdale/Page and Outrider. In fact, Outrider has been on solid rotation in my tape deck/CD player/CD Changer/ipod since about 1992. Other than NIL8's Eunich, that's about the only album that can say that.

Less than 50 days in the year left and Axl still says Chinese Democracy is coming out this year. Who's still holding their breath?

Well I'm not sure where to put these guys. On one hand, there's definitely a fucktard factor here, but on the other hand, a bunch of fat guys dressed as chicks ruining some prude bitch's shit is pretty cool.

50 bucks says the 300 people who buy this A. Own a trans am, B. Live in a trailer park C. Saw Journey and Def Leppard's tour this summer D. Think NASCAR is the pinnacle of human sporting or E. All of the above

So who's a bigger fucktard? These guys or the guy from Sunday? I'm torn

Yeah...I wanted to smooth over my doube fucktard entendre with Bowie. Fact is, nobody makes songs (or videos) as cool as this anymore, so you may as well keep this tab open for posterity's sake.

For some reason, I can't get this except from a link. Watch this video.

From what I understand, this piece of audio cancer isn't "technically" Twisted Sister, but a project of their Yngwie wannabe guitarist. Nevertheless, that's Dee Snider, and that's some fucknut with a last name I can't pronounce (Ojeda). Fuck it, I'll call a spade a spade.

Listen guys, I was sitting on the fence with that We're Not Gonna Take It with Come All Ye Faithful for lyrics, but ya gotta know when to say when. Dee, stop putting on mascara and go back to talking about how awesome the 80's are on VH1. Seriously, I'm only trying to help here man. Nobody is sitting around in their mom's basement saying "Gee, wouldn't that be radical if Dee Snider and his fat guitarist covered Eleanor Rigby?"

Go back to making Widowmaker. I know the other guys have less glamorous things to fall back on, such as another forray into the custodial arts or trucking...but c'mon man...there's a greater good here.

Wow I totally dropped the ball on this. But that new Tom Waits album "Orphans" came out yesterday. $29.95 on itunes or $39.99 at Amazon. You get 56 songs here of all previously unreleased stuff. Great stocking stuffer people in your life with good taste in music and even better gift for those that need some science!

(note-the video is Hold On from the Mule Variations album, also available at itunes and Amazon)

Now, I've never actually played Dungeons and Dragons...I don't even know how. But if this is even remotely close to how it is regularly played (sans the timed outfits), good fucking lord.

Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!

UPDATE: I just noticed the little damsel in the corner cheering her 'men' onto victory from the giant ultra-nerd. 100 bucks says that girl is 11 and the rest of them are 23.

I've had a few days to digest the Tom Waits Orphans album, and I must say this is truly one of the buys of the year. Bottom of the World is my favorite @ the moment, but pound for pound, these represent the best 56 tracks I've heard in a long time. If you aren't familiar with Waits yet, I'd still say its worth it to get Beautiful Maladies first, as you'll want a frame of reference before getting into these. But good goddamn, its been a long time since I've felt like I got my money's worth to this degree on music. The bee's knees right there folks. I also have to take in a Grateful Dead show from 89 @ Alpine Valley my uncle burned for me...that's on the docket for the ride home (although, I've heard enough dead boots to know what I'm in for).

This is what happens when nerds confuse their grape soda for crack. I don't even have a joke for this. I seriously don't know who's a bigger fucktard..this idiot who's "been up for 5 days writhing in anticipation for the Wii" or the guy who's bothering to interview him.

Staying up for five days, obtaining a Wii, and then playing until you can no longer sustain consciousness....mmmmk. Girls people? What about girls?

Welp, in less than two weeks, I can join 1% of the population in saying I completed a marathon. How 'bout that!

One thing I've come to learn about myself is that if I don't have something to shoot for, I pretty much go to shit physically. Or in the very least, I wander aimlessly. Since I've come to the conclusion that A.There aren't any chicago musicians doing anything I'm stoked enough about to devote loads of time to a band again and B. Since I work from home, said loads of time can easily be diverted to other worthwhile activities, I've decided to throw down the gauntlet one last time and get back into competitive swimming again. My reasons are many, but the most important ones are:

A. Swimming is, and always will be one of the greatest physical fitness activities one can do. Nothing else I do compares to it.

B. I'm 27 years old. While I know its highly unlikely I'll ever be as fast as I was when I was 17, this is probably the last chance I'll have in my life to be anything close to competitive. I'm not talking olympic trials or anything, but I know I have a shot of doing some things locally/regionally

C. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I'm one competitive motherfucker. And no more do I manifest said competitive nature than when swimming.

D. Unlike the marathon, triathlon or half marathon I have trained for/completed this year, I actually have time goals to hit in swimming. Finishing ain't gonna hack it here.

So there ya go. Tonight, I begin training with the Chicago Blue Dolphins. I know where I wanna end up, but getting there isn't going to be easy. Primarily, I need to get smaller. Like REALLY smaller. You see, in the past couple years, I spent a lot of time doing bulk lifting (and drinking). At one point, I was benching 250lbs. While that's all well and good if you wanna, say, bodyslam people, it's hardly effective in doing the butterfly for 100 yards in less than 55 seconds. The net result is that in the time I swam and now, current build is woefully inadequate for my new needs. Lean is the way to go. So, I'm taking in about 1500 less calories than I'm consuming in a given day to shrink every single cell in my body down to about 170lbs. The net result is that those of you who won't see me for a few months probably won't recognize me. But needs must when the devil drives!

For the record, I'm using Keyoe's diet/exercise assistant to monitor everything. For anybody who's looking to make serious weight/size adjustments, I'd highly reccomend this thing. The food database is particularly badass. Can't go wrong when it includes every beer I ever drink.

Coming soon to a student union near you....

What do you get when you cross an idiotic fundamentalist roadside preacher with a liberal college? FUCKTARDATION!

I swear these two groups feed on each other. There was a guy just like this on my college campus back in the day. He even did the over-exaggerated gestures and had the bat shit crazy wife walking around (although she never accused anybody of sticking a rectum in somebody's anus that I saw). Most of us would stop to watch (not unlike a car wreck) and then move on. But then there was that crowd of students who believed they had some kind of "knowledge" to drop on that fucknut. I don't know exactly what they wanted to accomplish. Using collegiate logic to argue against a traveling preacher (how do these guys get paid anyway?) is like using pussy against a eunich. Just doesn't work. Of course, that won't stop 'em from trying.

Thank you Ian for this most pious fucktard yet.