Thought Sausage

Welp, no backing out of the death valley century ride now. I'm all signed up.

Since this ride is overnight, and I'm riding with an actual group, it means my once lean non-geeky bike is gonna have to get lit up. I've decided to go against my normal minimalist approach to, well, everything and throw down here. Come September, I'm pulling out the stops. For that ride, I have every intention of being the most seizure inducing life form to cross the desert. Although Roly has expressed some concerns about the feds mistaking me for an escaped alien, that is about the only place I wouldn't feel like one of those tools on the late ride.

So Chuck took this test and posted the results...and well, I needed to procrastinate a bit

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 75% Iron Man 75% Hulk 65% The Flash 65% Green Lantern 65% Robin 50% Catwoman 50% Superman 35% Supergirl 25% Batman 20% Wonder Woman 20%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

So this is a concept car that I'm guessing will be making the car show rounds this year. I suppose it was inevitable that Ford would capitalize on the Mustang platform with something for people afraid of not having 4 doors. There were rumors abound that a station wagon (???) was in the works, but thankfully that got squashed. I mean, hey the Nomad's were cool as shit for what they were, and I think Magnums are pimp, but come on, a Mustang?

This sentence is what really got me interested however:
"The next-generation Chevrolet Impala from General Motors is expected to have four doors and share many of the mechanics with GM's upcoming version of the Camaro. "

Now as far as I know, Impalas have never really had anything to do with Camaros, mechanics or otherwise. But this is really good fucking news for two reasons:
A. GM turned the Impala into a cookie cutter mobile and it would be nice if the next gen was something to actually get excited about
B. If the sport line is going to be more of a flagship model for American car companies, and said companies are making sports lines (ie Mustang/Camaro/Challenger) that people are getting excited about again, then boy howdy the Japanese market better take notice.

I'll believe all this when I see it, but I put my money where my mouth was and bought one of the new Mustangs as soon as they'd sell me one once...and well shit, I'm not so sure I'm opposed to annexing the fleet with a Camaro or Challenger when they are available (provided I don't get married, have a kid or do something that would require me to spend money responsibly between now and then).

Welp, I've had a week now with the Nike + system and I'm starting to narrow some things down.

I'm running an average between 8:30 and 8:35 miles at a 3 mile clip (I haven't really started building distance yet). This is considerably faster than I was running back in June. In the incredibly unlikely scenario I where manage to hold that pace for an entire marathon, I could theoretically go sub 4 hours (although it'd be by a slim margin, between 3:55 and 3:58). Now, that's over a minute and a half faster than what my marathon pace in Hawaii was (and this is in 32 degree weather).

So, to pull this miracle off in Belfast (or more realistically, Chicago), I'm gonna focus on training to hold this pace as I build up. Fortunately, this is somewhat measurable with that ipod since I can keep track of my average paces.

There's a few scenarios I think I'm going to have to deal with. First, since I'll be doing everything a little faster, and obviously, this pace doesn't allow for walking of any kind, my cardio is going to need to be a lot stronger this time around than it was. Swimming should more than take care of that, as 3k yards right now, and ultimatley around 5k yards later in the season should provide all horsepower I'll need.

But a big problem is going to be the joints. At that clip, I doubt my knees are gonna last much more than a dozen miles before they completely shit out. I'm not sure how to approach this issue (I'm already pushing my luck running 3 marathons within a year span), but I'm thinking some diet alterations to make sure the sodium/iron is there, coupled with some possible changes to the armor (knee brace etc). I had serious problems with my ankles cramping up over the summer but I seemed to have fixed that by doubling up on my socks and going to full motion control shoes.

Most of all, what I think I'm gonna call on is massive baggage reduction. Gotta get the bod light enough to where the joints can hold this pace for really long times without shattering. Plus, the lighter load should make it so I can pace faster too. The only logical method to that is caloric reduction, which I've been doing since the beginning of December to pretty good results. I've been eating a lot more during the day, but in way small portions so I'm never like, "super hungry" (although I always could eat)

Needless to say I've got my work cut out for me. The nice thing is that swimming should be an excellent compliment to running since it virtually eliminates all impact.

4 hours or bust!

Well, last night marked my first "real" swim practice. By real, I mean where I actually got down and dirty with the event I plan on rocking once again (butterfly for those not in the loop). While I haven't done a proper fly based workout in over 10 years, it was nice that the rhythm of the whole thing came back fairly quick. Even the speed in the power part of the stroke felt like it did back in the day (funny how I remember that). In fact, it seems swimming is not _all_ that unlike riding a bike. Sort of.

Now having said that, it's pretty obvious I'm a long ways from where I need to be. For those who haven't done, fly is by far the most physically taxing stroke. This is not a big deal to somebody who's been doing it for awhile, but when its been 10+ years since you've trained, and in that time, you've been putting a constant diet of beer, pizza, burritos and cheeseburgers in your body, well, you feel it.

Good way to start off though. I'll be in San Francisco next week, so I'll have to come back to this, but I'm off to a promising start.

On an aside, the pool we were in is VERY heavy on the chlorine. Two showers later and I still smell like a jug of bleach. I give my hair a month until it becomes a strange blonde/reddish ting.

I'm not sure exactly how to categorize this. On one hand, I'm pretty certain what I'm looking at are four redneck fucktards, but on the other, well, shit, fast forward to about 2:30 to see what I mean.

Looks like there's some interest in a camaro convertible concept. And boy howdy does that thing look hot with her top off. I wasn't a fan of the convertible mustang...just took the balls out when it wasn't a coupe. This on the other hand looks like it'll plain fuck up whatever ride you're sporting now.

(thanks Brian...you're not quite fucktard of the week, but this will more than do)

BEHOLD THE LATEST ADDITION TO MY FLEET

What you're looking at there is me after a 20 mile maiden voyage on my new yacht. Drew and myself motored out to the burbs this morning with the intentions of me scoping out a new dresser/clothing recepticle @ IKEA. We made our way to IKEA, and did what it is two straight males do whilst wandering through that store. A trash can, a place to hang towels, silverware and some battery operated egg beater later (no dresser...I'm lazy like that)

Anyway, since we were already out that far, and since neither of us have any business being that far out of town, we wandered around a bit. After lunch, we dropped into Dick's Sporting Goods, the primary purchase being some new goggles (I went the Speedo route). Upon wandering into the bike section, I mentioned to Drew that if they actually happened to have the John Deere bike in stock, I would immediately buy one (the odds of this of course were incredibly small since NOBODY ever has this bike). Well low and behold, not one, but TWO were there on the floor. Both Drew and I stood there in awe for what must have been a good solid minute until Drew stated the obvious: "HOLY SHIT DOOD THAT IS FUCKING MOOOOOOOOOOOONEY!!!!!"

Good to my word, and after we rode them around the hunting department much to the patrons and employees chagrin, I purchased the bike. Of course, we hadn't really thought about whether or not my car would hold such a leviathan:

Being scamps from Iowa, we had no problem using bungee cords to hold that lid down (it bears mentioning that I have enough shit in my trunk to survive for a week and a half without any other human contact).

After bypassing our stop by the Oakley store in Woodfield, we got back to the west loop and took the new bike (aka: Bertha) out on her maiden voyage. We went up to Wrigleyville and back (visiting friends along the way to show everyone that I was serious about getting this bike).

As for an objective review...all John Deere awesomeness aside, this bike is incredibly comfortable (as the case is with beach cruisers). It's like riding a recliner. You lean back rather than hunch over as with other styles. It's got the glide brakes which definitely aren't as suitable for manuevering traffic, but fun nevertheless. Having fenders on it was awesome and I thoroughly enjoyed going through puddles and not giving a shit about getting crap all over my back.

That aside, I already noticed shit rubbing on things they shouldn't rub on, noises mysteriously emerging out of nowhere and so on. I'll probably be going down to the bike room and having a look through it to see if I can figure out what the fuck (either later tonight after I flesh out this powerpoint or tomorrow before I fly to San Francisco). I imagine that's part and partial to paying $300 for a bike as opposed to $1000+, but hey, I don't see any beach cruisers coming out of the Trek factory.

Upgrades are inevitable. Since I obtained this bike, I am now clear to forsake all practical use of my mountain bike and turn that into a pure mud/dirt/rock-hoppin machine. So it's going to be getting clips, new handlebars and other things that will render it absolutely useless for daily riding. This also means my car will be getting an upgrade in the form of a bike rack (totally out of site when not being used though...mounts from the bottom)

As for Bertha...well she's gonna need a headlight. And I'm not talking some sissy "bike light". Nope, this girl is getting a full on blowtorch of radiance in the form of a moped/motorcycle headlight. I'm not sure exactly how the logistics of this are going to work, but consulting the electric engineers of the Irish variety will be in order. I want this thing to light up the entire lakefront when riding at night (especially around Lincoln/Lakeview cos well, it sucks for light there). Also with lighting comes the tailight. I can stand the SOP blinking thing every biker and their red headed stepbrother has. So that'll be going on back. Also in the works will be a rack capabable of supporting a cooler (for beer of course). Cooler will also be John Deere colors. And to top it all off, you are goddamned right this thing is getting an orange implement triangle mounted on the back.

The really tricky part is that I am going to require all the components to be easily removable. The reason is because, well, I live in Chicago, not Waverly Iowa and this bike would be a sitting duck anywhere (especially at the pools I swim). So, that massive headlight needs to be able to come off on the fly (in addition to the power supply), as does the cooler and tailight (not a problem).

NOTHING RUNS LIKE A DEERE

Well, once again, and for the first time in a long while, your hero is 30,000 feet over the earth somewhere between Las Vegas and San Francisco. We connected in Vegas, which turned out to be a lot less painful than I thought (if you aren't there to party, and just want to get the fuck where you are going, vegas kinda sucks). The past 3 hours I've basically been finalizing a Powerpoint, and reading On a Pale Horse (Piers Anthony...I've been meaning to dig into this series, as I have the whole thing on loan from Natalia). It's actually been since about early October since I was last in San Francisco. This oughta be an interesting encounter, as a lot of those people haven't seen me since i got my tooth fixed, took a pipe upside the head and dropped about 20 pounds. Bringin' Sexy Back!!

God this time of year (post holiday) is a good time to fly. As I type this, I'm sitting in a window seat with NOBODY next to me, other than my bag and the big ipod (Downard Spiral is on repeat for the curious). In the summer, every airline (for the record, the man stuck me on America West this time) crams every flight to the gills with vacationing idiots who prove the theory that humans were not meant to be herd animals. No more does that notion make itself apparent than when you watch 150 or so fat Americans attempt to board or get off a plane. They even TELL you to stand inside a row if you are waiting for somebody or going to put your luggage overhead. This never happens, and the carnival of idiots continues. But I digress... Last year, it seems like I had to travel a ton right around the holidays, and then not so much in January, but then I was everywhere (New York, Boston and San Fran) in Feb/March. This is good stuff. I'd even be up for a red eye or two this time of year (I have an algorithm in my brain that allows me to sleep like a baby on flights, I even took a 10 minute nap before we took off out of Chicago and Vegas).

Since I won't have a pool to speak of (the man has me @ the Palace Hotel in SF this week...very posh, if you're like 80, like velvet ropes, marble, and gold trim) It looks like Butkus and I will be spending our nights running up and down the streets of Union Square. This would be fine if it weren't for the fact that San Francisco is one of the hilliest/curviest cities in the country. It's famous for this. Lombard street is the curviest street in the world (true, look it up). So I guess I'll get to practice my uphill/downhill running this week.....meh.

It seems all this fly has done a number on my lower back. I'm basically in intense pain anytime I bend at the waist. In short, this sucks like a platter full of ass sandwiches. I've tried stretching etc. The coach says it's just something I'll have to put up with until my body gets with the program, but all this get up/get down shit I do when I'm not swimming ain't havin it. Luckily for me, Chinatown happens to be just north of Union Square, so it is quite possible your hero may be heading up to a Vietnamese "spa" to get these knots rubbed out (happy endings? har har!)

Also took Bertha out this morning for her second voyage to swim practice. During that journey, I discovered that the backpedal brake doesn't seem to be calibrated right. It tries to trigger before you push back. That could likely be a result of the burnouts Drew and I did with it in the Dick's Sporting Goods parking lot. Even better is that I have a 2 year service agreement on it, which basically means I get to take it to Dicks and make their tech fix it. That only sucks because I still don't have an effective way of getting bertha out to Dicks, short of riding her. And well, fuck, a 80-100 mile roundtrip on a fucking beach cruiser ain't my idea of a lovely time (that'd be reserved for the roadbike). So it looks like any kind of maintenance on this thing is gonna require I get that bike rack installed first (although it is tempting to take it to gear snobs @ Village Cyclery in Old Town just for the comedic value).

Upon this ride, I decided on another feature for Bertha. She needs a proper cup holder on the handlebar. Capable of holding a "soda" can, "soda" bottle or a "soda" tallboy. I don't know if it's going to be possible for her to hold a "soda" 40oz, but hey, why the fuck do I need all that beer (I mean soda) when I'll have a cooler mounted right behind me? Allz I'm sayin, is a bottle/can cupholder is essential.

Prior to leaving for this flight, I also came upon an unfortunate incongruency. It seems Bertha's tubing isn't standard sizing (crossbar obviously, I'm talking about the stem). I was going to slap a U-Lock bracket on there, but damned if the shims and the bracket aren't small enough. So it's back to the drawing board on that idea (I decided since my mountain bike was going to be relegated to off-road only, Bertha would be getting my best locks). This is going to pose a number of problems because I am going to need a way mount all kinds of odd sized stuff without looking all ghetto. Any ideas?

Tomorrow I have an 8am meeting, and I'm probably not going to get into the city until around 11. I still have yet to steam my suit (they never pack right), and as luck would have it, tomorrow is the day I need it. So chalk this one up to another late night in SF. I'm so happy I could just shit.

UPDATE: Have arrived at the Palace, and it appears they do indeed have a gym (or installed one since I last stayed here). On the 4th floor. I'll check it out tomorrow after work, but hey, if there's a steam room, count me the fuck in.

David Bowie turned 60 today. Quite amazing the man is over twice as old as I am and still infinitely cooler than me or you.

Maybe for your 60th you could give us the sequel to 1.Outside? (aka 2.Contamination) Come on if Stallone can make a sequel at that age so can you!!

Cos Apple has ya covered

Steve Jobs officially debuted this thing right down the street a few hours ago @ the Moscone Center. I've always been a little skeptical of things that try to be all things to all people. Eventually they end up becoming a solution in search of a problem (gee, did I really need to watch full length movies on the 3.5" screen of my phone). But holy fuck, this thing is just plain rad.

I knew about the widescreen ipod thing for awhile. And for a guy who tallied up 140,000 miles in airplanes last year, watching movies in a portable fashion doesn't seem like a bad thing. What really kicks ass is that you can sync this ipod with another one (as I understand) so all the stuff on my big ipod could play on it. This is good because the phone only has an 8gig capacity, and I got 20gigs of music. I'll probably keep using my current ipod to cram music, and the phone for stashing movies/shows on.

Then there's the internet. I got in the habit of surfing the web on my Treo, but the browser sucks all kinds of ass because it can't render pages properly on the tiny screen. It looks like they solved that problem with the iphone by having a zoom feature. Nice.

So this basically represents $600 I'll be spending in June (when it is released). Whoopee. Coincidentally, that's about the time my current contract expires, which is with Cingular, who also happens to the exclusive service provider for the iphone. It's nice when things just work out.

Tonight after my decidedly punishing 5k run, I've come to not like running in San Franciso...at least around Union Square. The combination of the hills with a fucked up red/green light pattern basically ruined my shins. Yesterday I went towards the harbor which isn't so hilly and doesn't have as many dipshit tourists. I think I'll be going that route come tomorrow (if I run at all...rumor has it I'll be out "with the gang" from work again).

After running I went to get some sushi (which is modus operandi when I'm in fogtown). Sushi Boat is a sushi bar that has an island style bar with these little boats they put plates of sushi on. You grab what you want and they charge you based on what type of plate you had. Pretty typical for a sushi bar.

Anyhow, so I sat there eating my sushi and sipping on saki, and there was this guy (mid-late 30's) next to a younger girl that was probably mid 20's. After about 5 minutes, I found myself deciding this guy was a total douche bag. But upon that discovery, I started to wonder why I thought this. I mean, he didn't say anything to me personally. I just listened to how he was talking to the girl, and his overall demeanor. It occured to me that I had a built in douchebag sensor that I hadn't really itemized. For the rest of the night, I decided to do some people watching and identify what exactly this guy was doing that made me think he was a complete douche bag. The following is a list of things that made me qualify him as a douche bag:

-Candy striped dress shirt with a flower pattern tie

-Traveling sales guy who "has an MBA"

-Had an accent from Nebrasklahomo, but when ordering sushi, magically had some kind of french/italian thing going on (this is supposed to make him sound "smart" I suppose)

-Waxed poetic about his "knowledge" of sushi while eating a california roll with a fork then washed it down with a Miller Lite

-Had what resembled a flowbee haircut

-Laughed hysterically anytime the girl so much as giggled and then had to ask what it was she was laughing at

-Was from San Diego and talked as if San Diego was the mecca of sushi (it isn't)

-Claimed to "come here for lunch everytime he'd been to San Francisco since 92" but didn't understand how the bill worked

-When the girl mentioned she had food poisoning from eating eel once, his eyes got all wide and proceeded to act as if this was the most earth shattering news he'd ever heard

-Repeatedly referred to San Francisco as "Frisco" to a girl who obviously lived here (that's like calling Chicago Chi-town)

-Was overly polite to the server (Example: Miss? Oh Miss? Yes, can we please have two..you want one too right? Okay, yes, can we please have, well, do you have "Kirin" here? (spoken as if Kirin is some sort of rare Japanese beer that only comes in one flavor and every sushi joint in the nation doesn't sell by default) Yes, well we'd like two of those and two glasses please?? Okay, thank you very much". It also bears mentioning this took place after he finished his Miller Lite and asked the girl if she "wanted to try a real Japanese beer".

-Bragged incessantly about "going back to school and getting his MBA" when he was 28, as if this somehow negated the fact that he looked like a goofy-haircut-havin' candy store clerk and was an admitted traveling salesman

-Referred to actual wasabi as "a really fine, almost runny stuff" as if this was some rare thing only available at the one restaurant he paid more than 50 bucks for his sushi. This girl being a student, obviously wasn't aware of these things (and when she does get on with her life, it'll become egregiously apparent what a complete fucking tool this guy is)

-Upon the end of their little pow wow, he says "Hey, what are you doing after this?" and clearly missed the clue the girl was giving, when her mood towards him could only be described with the word "tolerant" says "Well I have to get up in the morning"...homeslice bypasses that with an ACTUAL FUCKING INVITE UP TO HIS ROOM with "Well hey, if you'd like I was going to have some wine and order a movie" (yes this actually came out of the subject's mouth)..

I almost wanted to kick him in his pussy as he sat there like the pathetic fat piece of shit he was, but well, I have a thing against picking on retards.

In short, that really shed some light on how my douche-bag sensing algorithm works.

Well now that I'm back in Chicago, it is time to get down to the business of pimping bertha out. Spend the day buying gawdy accessories and various necessities in order to turn that bike into the ultimate party battlewagon it is destined to become.

So I motored over to Target, which carries bike accessories that are big, cheap, dumb, gawdy, and therefore fabulous for this project. I decided to use a temporary solution for the blowtorch, which should suffice for now (riding to and from practice). Afterall, the primary purpose of said blowtorch is to provide massive radiance on beachfronts, forrests and other places that I might need to drink heavily in the dark.

Right now, Bertha is sitting down in the bike room sporting: a headlight, big computer, cupholder, rearview mirror, rack, tire lights and tail light. The batteries that came with the headlight were dead...what the fuck?

I got one of those little blinking headlights that go on the bike stem. Since the bike stem now has a rack protruding from it, I mounted it on the frame on the left side. This presented an interesting scenario because this will now allow me to put another light on the other side. Why just have one when you can have two right? I'm also planning on mounting a light on the rack too.

The computer I got is supposed to be "retro" and by retro, if they mean big and clumsy, this thing definitely fits the bill. Seriously, it's just fantastic. I'll be posting pics soon.

The only problem with this stuff is the whack-ass "Schwinn" logo all over it. I don't have anything against Schwinn, but I'm not about to make Bertha a Schwinn billboard. So the docket for tomorrow now includes me obtaining some flat black spray paint and making this shit look straight evil. I need to figure out how to handle the face of that computer. I'm thinking I should keep in the John Deere motif, but I'm not really sure how to convey that just yet. This could become an exercise in actual painting.

Still to obtain= Cooler and stereo unit. I'm not hots on for that stuff yet cos well, I don't have anywhere to ride that would warrant that.

Boy I have a new reason to hate stupid kids as of today. The supply list included a new tail light, flat black spray paint and possibly a cooler. I ended up with the spray paint, another tail light and a new rearview mirror (this one mounts better).

I stopped by Natalia's pad to check out her new home theater/plasma set up, new paint scheme and watch Mr. and Mrs Smith. I have a new respect for TV's that have ambilight (sp?). Suffice to say, that is going to be a required feature for my next TV (I'm going flat panel from here on in). Mr. And Mrs. Smith is one of those movies that only works because it stars beautiful people. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are probably the only people on earth that could sell that plot. Were it Tom Arnold and Mindy Cohn in those roles, the movie would just plain suck. Anyway, going into the Home Depot, I was informed that it is illegal to sell spray paint within the city limits. So I had to motor all the way out to the Wal Mart in Skokie just to procure a 96 cent can of spray paint. Things sure have changed since I was a kid spray painting models and shit. Now they are in a locker and you have to go get somebody (and not just anybody has to be THE paint guy ho ho ho) to open it for you. That took about 25 minutes which was 24 minutes too much IM oh so HO. I mean, if you're gonna lock the shit up, fine, but don't make it so we honest folks who aren't gonna paint some gang symbol on an overpass have to stand around waiting for your ass. I mean fuck I already had to go to Skokie.

I'll post pictures as soon as I trick Drew into going downstairs to the bike room with me (which isn't very likely since he's been afixed to the couch on a West Wing bender for the last 36 hours). But everything is shaping up to be about as fucking cool as I envisioned. That dorky computer face I told ya about is now a lean mean black, and it actually looks pretty fucking tough. The flat black accessories work pretty good with the color scheme, but it teeters somewhat on a Batman vibe now. Whether or not that's a good thing remains to be determined.

Take everything you thought you knew about bat-shit crazy people and just throw it out the window. This lady trumps all. I've actually known about this site for awhile, but somehow or other it came up tonight. I don't know what's more fucked up, the fact people like this exist, or the fact there seems to be a market for photos of squirrels dressed up in military fatigues (I can only assume she sells a few of these because the site is at least a few years old).

Kelly Foxton is the person behind this clusterfuck. Gee why am I not suprised she's a wannabe side show country star? I think Sugarbush Squirrel is what happens when NASCAR loving/education hating rednecks from bumfuck Kentucky attempt to "be creative". Nevermind it looks like she's been some sort of poster girl for the military ever since "we won the big one", cos apparently, dressing a squirrel up in various military clothes will "boost the moral" of every US armed service person in the world. If you were curious as to what kind of person is still in the 'less than 30 percent' of Americans who support the war in Iraq...well, here ya go. Is it really any wonder Democrats seem to think they are "smarter" than Bush's constituency?

UPDATE: Oh holy shit I didn't notice this part:

"If you know of any American or allied soldiers overseas, whether it be in Iraq, Afghanistan, South Korea or any other place where we have peace keepers, who might like wallet size photos of Sugar Bush Squirrel 'The Military Mascot' to carry in their pockets with them, please email me their email addresses, where they can receive and print them out, and Sugar Bush will email each one of them one of her shots (in the military attire of his/her choice)."

Oh hell fuck yes Ryan McAnally is going to be getting an email from Sugar Bush Squirrel this week. This oughta be good.

Alright no more Mr. Nice Guy. Like a good (or insane?) soldier, I officially started my Hal Higdon marathon schedule today at 6:00am (for some reason, I woke up at 5:30 and decided rather than sit around and think about why I think punk scenes are 10x cooler in smaller markets than big cities, I'd get down to business). Put away a brisk 3 miles (although it bears mentioning the thermometer by the bank I ran by says it was 22 degrees, which is about on par with the temp I should expect for the 2009 Antarctica run) @ an 8:14 mile average. I've been dealing with this ever since I bought the Nike + Ipod setup, but it finally hit the fan for me today. That motherfucking armband is a platter of bullshit. I am sick to death of that bitch chiming in during my run to congratulate me on finishing my workout, only to have to sit there, fumble with the fucking band (in 22 degree weather) pull the nano out of its sleeve and scroll down to the bottom, have it ask me if I "Really want to end my workout" (no, I just thought after you announced that I was done, I'd stop to play with the super cool "scroll wheel), and finally get it to SHUT THE HELL UP. This may sound trivial to you, but I have to go through this stupid little dance EVERY SINGLE TIME. Well that's allz I can stands, and I can't stands no more. The following email was sent to the customer support following my run:

From: Dave McAnally
Sent: Tuesday, January 16, 2007 5:08 AM
To: 'nikeplus@nike.com'
Subject: Armband

Aight, so it's like this...

The only armband that fits the little chip that goes into the bottom of the ipod for the Nike+ thing also happens to be devoid of a window which lets the user see what the hell the ipod is doing. While I'm sure various designers/engineers have invented millions of reasons as to why the modern runner can live without such a feature for the sake of "looking cute", I for one cannot. For you see, the current system requires you "to push the menu button to end the workout" (according to the woman's voice that dictates everything while I run), however when the menu button is pushed, the ipod reverts to a sub menu which then requires the user to scroll to the bottom of the menu to effectively end the workout. While I'm sure your ideal user is somebody running along some beautiful beachfront in 70 degree weather listening to bubblegum pop, I happen to be in downtown Chicago in 20 degree weather with gloves and an ipod named Butkus that is only capable of belching out music so loud and fierce it would kill your grandmother. Therefore, the chick's voice (and Lance on the occassions I "run my farthest") are obscenely loud, and usually, at my clip, when I wanna be done, I wanna be done. Please consult with your lead armband designer (or Cunty McFuckstain as I came to call him after this morning's run) to make "armband 2.0" or whatever cute name you have for it replete with a clear plastic window so I don't have to perform this same fucking dance after every fucking run (which includes a most unflattering display of quick glove removal and 'nano-dangling-by-the-cord').

Dave

Here's a random fact I stumbled upon in Wikipedia:

During the mid-1980s, Sgt. Slaughter released a full length LP, The Cobra Clutch. It featured a number of original songs, including the title song, as well as a cover of Neil Diamond's "America". Slaughter's friend (presumably the songwriter) did most of the singing; Slaughter's contribution was generally just a few lines in each chorus, as he was not a great singer. The album was not well received, and few copies were sold.

Upon reading that, I have the following questions:

-did Sgt Slaughter wear his uniform into the studio, and then call all the engineers "Pukes" and "maggots"?

-What was Neil's reaction when he granted the rights for Sgt. Slaughter to record America? (I can only assume this was at the height of his drug problem)

-Does he sing like he talks (obviously I don't have a copy of this)

-Was the phrase "Shut your puke hole" ever uttered during the session

-Did the musicians who recorded the backing tracks actually get paid union scale?

-Who actually DID buy this?

-Did Sgt. Slaughter tour or play any shows to promote the record? and if so, are there any videos of these?

-Did he go to Neil Diamond because James Brown wouldn't allow him to record "Livin in America"?

Oh, don't kid yourself I know this is a form response. But "Russ" emailed me in response to what I sent the other day (back when it was preposterously cold and Cunty McFuckstain's armband was testing my sanity).

-----Original Message-----
From: Nike+ [mailto:nikeplus@custhelp.com]
Sent: Wednesday, January 17, 2007 3:48 PM
To: Dave McAnally
Subject: Armband [Incident: 070116-000024]

Dear Dave,

Thanks for contacting Nike regarding the Nike+ Sport Armband.

We always welcome feedback from consumers and appreciate that you took the time to contact us. Nike's heritage is based on technically designed athletic products to enhance performance. It is through input from consumers like yourself that we are able to improve our products.

Your feedback has been passed on to the proper departments. We appreciate your support of Nike.

Once again, thanks for contacting Nike. Let me know if you have further questions.

Sincerely,

Russ
Nike+

P.S. You should see the new Nike+ Ready products at Nikeplus.com.

Now, naturally, I have to respond. Of course, I figure if they are going to be sending this goofy shit out, I may as well get creative and see if by chance this becomes my big break into showbiz. The following is my response:

Russ,

Thank you for the response. Hopefully my thoughts are considered when Cunty McFuckstain engineers a new Nike+ Armband. I searched through the Nike+ Products page after my browser loaded the huge flash movie supplying said products. Unfortunately, while sifting through the site, I saw the only available armband is still the one I have. For the record, I am talking about the Nike+ Sport Armband Style# AC1126 Color# 088. While the colors are appealing (I was at my local running store today and noticed you also produce a matching shirt....nice), and I do appreciate the "Nike Pro Compression" fabric, it still does not solve my original problem of preventing me from performing some vital functions on the ipod (for the record, it was only 17 degrees today). Please tell Cunty that while I think the armband solves a lot of problems in style with that Black/Atom Red getup, it still leaves me hanging.

Since I have your attention Russ, and maybe you aren't the guy to talk to about this, but I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I'd like to share with you my idea for a reality based game show centered around the Nike+ System.

The show would take place on prime time television, preferrably on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7pm on a network of your choice. 12 contestants would be chosen at random from their ID's on the Nike+ website. Any contestant who refuses to participate will be automatically locked out of the Nike+ website and the serial number associated with their ipod will no longer communicate back to Nike. This is to make people who aren't hip to the whole program continue to buy unnecessary products.

Anyhow, the contestants are then required to create playlists and run together for the duration of the show (6-7 weeks). The 12 contestants all write down what their favorite type of spaghetti is on a piece of paper and put it in a secret ballot box. The dozen are then divided into 3 teams, who become running groups. At the beginning of each show, they swap ipods and must listen to each others nano, swapping every 20 minutes. While they go out and do a 6 mile run, a panel of judges, comprising of b-list celebrities mocks and degrades the runners for their poor running style. I should also mention that it none of the judges should have any running knowledge or expertise whatsoever. Basically, I'm thinking Mini-Me, Ron Jeremy, Rosie O'Donnell and Louie Anderson would make a suitable panel. After the run, the teams must then vote off whoever had the most unpleasant and annoying music for their running playlist. The groups continue to go head to head until at the end, the home audience calls in and decides who has the best playlist of the last two runners. I should also mention this all would take place on some exotic island out in the middle of the carribean. At the end of the run, the winner is then presented with their favorite type of spaghetti that they submitted at the beginning of the season.

Let me know if you have any questions, but I think this would be a great way to help promote the Nike + brand and also give one lucky contestant a chance to have some spaghetti.

Well Russ didn't respond to me, but that didn't stop Nike from sending me this (apparently they are trying to prove they are as persistant as I am):

From: Nike [mailto:nikesupportsurvey@netreflector.com]
Sent: Thursday, January 18, 2007 10:13 AM
To: Dave McAnally
Subject: Please Provide Your Feedback

Dear Dave,

We want to hear what you have to say about your recent contact with Nike! We won't rest until we've made every effort to provide you with a service experience that is best in class.

Please take a few minutes to answer some brief questions about your service experience on January 16, 2007. The information you provide will be kept confidential and will only be used to ensure that we are providing you with a true Nike experience.

To complete the survey, simply click on the link below or copy it into your browser. The survey should take only 3-5 minutes to complete.

http://cs.netreflector.com/take?i=110124&r=20484975&h=tg4kf3bI7WM-u4ZFL4C8uA

Please note that the purpose of this e-mail is solely to provide you with an invitation to take our survey. This note is being sent to you from a non-responding email alias and replies to this email will not receive a response.

If you require assistance for a new or existing support request, please contact Nike Customer support at 1-800-344-6453 or http://niketown.nike.com/niketown/info/help.jsp?item=contact

We look forward to your feedback!

Sincerely,

Um wow, after I think I made it abundantly clear that the response from Russ provided me zero assistance with my problem, they "follow up". Amazing. Well since I have some time to burn between now and swimming, I decided to fill the survey out. The following are my responses:

First, what was your primary reason for contacting Nike support?

Corporate Information/Feedback
Nike Product Info/Feedback
Product Returns
Niketown.com order/help, returns, and customer service
Other (please specify) Your armband doesn't have a friggin' window

Was the Customer Service Agent able to resolve your issue or handle your inquiry?



Yes
No

Why was the Agent not able to solve your inquiry?



Agent did not provide correct or adequate information
Did not receive promised call back or update
I was referred to other retailers or websites
The product I wanted was not in stock
Nike's process or policy did not allow for a solution (please specify below)
Other (please specify) His name was Russ and he thinks your store sells a product I proposed you make

Overall, how satisfied were you with this most recent Nike Customer Service experience?

3. Somewhat dissatisfied

We are sorry to learn you were generally dissatisfied with your Customer Service experience. What would you say contributed most to your dissatisfaction?

Russ didn't seem to grasp that the Nike Store doesn't sell a product I suggested. Furthermore, I'm not convinced he's going to pass my suggestions onto Cunty McFuckstain as I suggested (does Russ has any kind of pull? If not, why didn't he tell me?). Also, I'm not entirely confident Nike has the ability to pull off my gameshow ideas. I might have to go pitch that idea to Reebok if things don't pick up around here

Well ya can't fault MC Lazy-Boy here for tryin. I don't know where Montgomery is, but when a mini-mall is something to compare anything to positively, that place is the armpit of the galaxy. Gotta dig that gold suit brutha!!!

(thanks to Ashley, my super cute, super smart, super funny coworker in San Francisco whom I get wasted with everytime I go there)

Welp, once again, my town has a professional team in the championships. When the Sox were in the world series, all of a sudden everything was all black and white. True to form, the Bears Blue/Orange is pretty much everywhere already. One thing you can't fault Chicago for is not supporting their local teams. I mean fuck, when this town gets something going, they throw down. Gonna be a "spirited" next couple of weeks.

Well this is turning out to be a trying day. One of the necessary implements for this summer's riding schedule is a bike rack for Delilah:

Now I've been told by a couple people a model exists that has a harness that mounts straight to the chassis, which allows you to clip the rack itself on, thus negating any contact with the body. Well I just got off the phone with Golf Mill Ford (which is where I adopted Delilah) and their parts department says such a creature doesn't exist. Well whoopdie fucking doo! I've already scoured the interwebs looking for a rack that can mount without mangling the body (it bears mentioning this car has a wing, so its pretty much impossible to safely use a conventional rack).

So does anybody know where I can get an aftermarket rig that can mount to a chassis of a 2005 Mustang? My requirements are as follows:

1. Must hold at least 2 bikes
2. Must not require any welding. I'm not a welder. Never have been never will be.

There's a chance I may end up going the traditional route of some jankass temp shit from the bike shop. But obviously that's an ultra last resort.

UPDATE:

Well at least I found one rack that I think I could bring myself to trust on my car. Dero makes this. It definitely falls into my "ultra last resort" criterion, but needs must I guess.

Looks like Joey Belladonna is no longer a part of Anthrax according to Scott Ian on Blabbermouth

"We were offered a direct support slot on a major tour this spring and Joey [Belladonna, vocals] decided he did not want to move forward. The reunion is over. We tried to make it work but I guess that's the problem, you can't 'make' something work. It's gotta be natural and at least becoming a band again and playing live was. "

Well now, maybe this bunch can finally get on and write some songs with John Bush. John of course, has been making the rounds with Armored Saint, which is probably great for metal fans in bumfuck Scandinavia, but c'mon, Sound of White Noise was a fucking awesome record. Now is the perfect time to get John back in the fold, get Al Jourgensen producing and drop some serious science!

Lest the 'Thrax goes the way of Van Halen and moves onto Singer #3, which @ that point, they may as well pack it in.

Apparently this is a rare prehistoric shark that nobody ever sees that got videotaped yesterday. Allz I gotta say is Jaws ain't got shit on this guy. If you're ever in the ocean, and this comes swimming along, odds are you are probably about to get fucked up!

Apparently, electrolytes are real. All along I thought that was some bullshit market speak jargon to help sell Gatorade, since the true value in it was the sugar it was replacing in your body.

I know this because in practice this week, when we began ramping up the yards, my calves and the bottom of my feet began cramping like a mofo. I know I've waxed poetic about this before, but I decided to ask the coach if he had any remedies or explanations for this. He suggested I might not be getting enough salt or 'electrolytes'. Well I'll be damned.

It's not that I have anything against Gatorade persay. Well, the reason I've never drank it is because water has always been my weapon of choice, and the only opportunities I've had to change up are on distance runs with water stations, or on RAGBRAI. Well on Ragbrai, when you fill your bottles up with Gatorade, they tend to taste like "Fire Red", or "Xtreme Lemon" or whatever the fuck they call it for about the first half hour. But once it warms up, you've basically got a warm bottle of ass. As least when water gets warm, it still tastes like water you know what I mean? I think in Hawaii instead of Gatorade, they had whatever the Japanese version of it is (I don't recall it, but I'd be willing to bet 20 bucks that the words "dragon", "lucky", "happy", or "Pao" were featured).

Anyhow, long story short, looks like i'll be acquiring some Gatorade to keep my calves from trying to sneak up into my knees.

Am in a Starbucks in Ft Myers Florida @ the moment. Apparently this state didn't get the memo that guido haircuts make you look like a huge douchebag. Just sitting here in this mall I started counting how many I saw and gave up when I got into the 50's.

Lots of shit is gonna come down the pike next week. I'm not really @ liberty to talk about it right now, but suffice to say, the kid is movin' on up.

Back in Chicago. And good fucking god it's offensively cold here. sucks cos I'll be riding to practice this week. So there's a good chance I'll die of exposure or something this week. Gotta love challenges!

Suffice to say, I got some major catch up to do since I only actually ran once the whole time I was there. It would appear though that Northern Ireland is temporarily on hiatus due to the fact that airfare is a lot more expensive than we originally (by we, I mean myself) anticipated. So that may have to wait until next year so we can grab tix in, like December or something. In its place, there's the Vegas marathon. This will have to coincide with the Chicago marathon so I don't kill myself. But the net result is that I'm not in dire need of a training schedule, so I'll probably just get into a maintenance mode. Still gotta love that ipod/nike+

The long awaited Chris Randall solo album is supposed to be out very soon (new site goes live tomorrow). I'm really anxious about this, (you can hear clips here), but I gotta be honest, this smacks of a total Tom Waits wannabe endeavor. I know Chris is a huge Tom Waits fan as it is, which is very cool, but the clips I've heard struck me like things that could have easily been at home on Blood Money or Mule Variations. I mean, tell me this description doesn't sound like it could just as easily describe any Tom Waits album after Heart Attack and Vine

"Blues with a tinge of manic-depressive craziness is the order of the day, as Randall builds images of fictional people and events with stark clarity. The album is incredibly raw in sound, yet is full of subtlety that won't be readily apparent on the first listen."

Like I said, I bet this album has some killer songs on it, and I like what I've heard so far. But yeah, maybe going forward, CR will distance himself from the obvious Tom Waits sound.

UPDATE: I wouldn't necessarily say my first hunch on this album was entirely off, but you can stream the whole album over on Chris's Last FM Page. And boy howdy there are definitely some very cool tracks on here. Definitely worth the price of admission for this one. Can't hardly wait.