Went out on a solo ride today. Unfortunately Roly and the Irish clan seemed to have a mishap that involved a sandblaster and lots of dust. the net result of said mishap was that I had nobody to ride with. Pedaled down to Indiana and then rode the lakeshore path on up to rogers park (aka Baja Evanston). Checked in with the gang @ Pressure then oozed back to the west loop.
What follows is a non-ordered list of douche-baggery that occurs the first "nice" weekend in Chicago (it bears mentioning half the people on the path only come out once per year then hang the rollerblades up until next summer):
-Rollerbladers...i guess not necessarily all rollerbladers but the types that A. Don't actually do anything...just let gravity and wind lumber them along. B. Keep their ipods DIMED so they can't hear pertinent information such as an orange black and green streak hollering "ON YOUR LEFT TUBBY!" C. Travel in little brigades of 3 effectively eliminating any chance of passing their slow fat asses. The latter of which was out in full force this weekend because trail etiquette eludes pretty much every rollerblader in the city
-Johnny "Mountain bike" Speedracer. This is that guy who pedals his shiny mountain bike (cos he's never actually used said mountain bike for "mountain biking") as if his life depends on it, weaving in and out of the lane with no regard to people behind him. I swear everytime I see a guy like this I look around for teh chick he thinks he's impressing. Today I encountered one of these poor souls working on what has to be his 3rd heart attack. Glided right by because that's how I roll. I was holding about a 20mph clip when about a minute later, I see this dude huffing and puffing and emitting a strange wheezing sound doing everything in his power to "beat me". He made this obvious because he gave me the "Racer look"...which was kinda comedic in of itself. He held this clip for about 200 feet, at which point I'm pretty sure every muscle in his not-so-slim bodice basically shat out and he fell in a big heap. WAY TO GO CHAMP ENJOY THE RIDE!
-Families with children who are learning to ride a bike. See, i'm not a parent, but even I have parental instincts that kick in when I see some dumbfuck father pushing his 3-5 year old son along on a tiny little bike ON LAKEFUCKINGSHORE. That's sort of like teaching somebody to drive for the first time in mid-manhattan around 4:30pm. Of all the places this dude could think to dole out this "learn to ride" lesson...how on earth did he pick the busiest place with riders and patrons who have little to no regard of their surroundings? Seriously, that's grounds for human service intervention. I seriously about took out one of these kids because dad chose to start this lesson on a sharp corner. I had sort of a "deer in headlights" effect and didn't say anything but, since I'm all about truth justice and the american way, I SHOULD have gone and kicked that guy's ass in front of his son...and hopefully his kid would be wiser for the wear.
So yeah...that's that.
I know this isn't gonna be popular, but I've come to teh conclusion that Hugh Hefner is a couple fucking douchebag. Godamnit would this geriatric pervert just die already? I happened to catch a corner of that "Girls Next Door" show (which documents hugh and all his "live in girlfriends"). Seriously, this show follows like 5 clinically retarded young women around doing things you would figure retards with absurd amounts of money would do. You can actually hear your brain losing its intelligence quotient when it is on. Hugh is like 80, and we are to believe all these people "are his girlfriends". Now, I will grant, Hugh Hefner is the only person on this planet that can somehow get away with this. Were this the life of any other 80 year old man, he'd be the subject of a Jerry Springer show. And it's not even cos he's rich...remember that crusty old oil tycoon Anna Nicole Smith married? Granted he had huge ears and looked like a monkey on crack (and Hugh actually looks extremely good for a guy that old)..but still. It's fucking disgusting watching old men attempt to "be cool". In one scene, a chick "just happens" to wear a dress to a restaurant (this is one of Hugh's girlfriends) that she keeps "falling out of". Hugh busts out an ultra smooth "Those puppies look like they want to come out to play" and the table howls with laughter. I tried to use the "shining" to make a giant fist come out of nowhere and punch Hugh in the face...but didn't because any blunt force would prolly turn that exoskeleton to dust....or maybe I don't have "the gift of shining". Either way, fuck hugh hefner, fuck his "would be hot if they were cartoon characters" girlfriends and fuck E! for putting this shit on for 3 hours on a sunday.
