Thought Sausage

The underlying issue of this has been bubbling under the surface with me for years now. I was just at the local Subway getting lunch and, as those of you in Chicago know, the lines @ any lunch establishment in downtown are quite long. Well today this snorky little dude in front of me shows up, and natch, he's ordering for himself plus he's got a little post-it note with instructions for a sandwich he's getting for his co-worker/friend/sig other. We waited for must have been a solid 8 minutes and during this time, said dude was not on a phone, or really doing anything besides staring into space looking not-unique. So what does he do when he gets to approach the counter? Well first off he rattles off the list of shit on the post-it note like a pro, and then FUCKING STUMBLEs OVER EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING ON THE TRAY.

I'd hazard a guess this wasn't this guy's first jaunt into Subway. I can't imagine that the elements that comprise a sub sandwich were at all alien to him. Then why in the hell was every single thing from the meat, to the cheese to the veggies such a fucking toss up? Shit, even the girl who's command of the english language isn't all that more advanced than your well-watered houseplant had to coax his dumbass through the ordering ritual. After he got done telling the lady the kind of bread and size for his friend's sandwich he sat there and said: "Oh, uh, I dunno, um...can I get the wheat bread please? Hmmm..actually, hmm, maybe the italian herbs and cheese. How much more is a footlong?" (bear in mind there was line of around 20 people behind him). Moving right along to meats once that was decided, this turned into an indecisive clusterfuck as well. "Hmmm, make eeeeeeeet....ummmmmmm, can I have the turkey meat ('turkey meat'??!!), oh wait, actually let me have some of that chicken teriyaki...you know what, let's just have the turkey meat." And oh fuck, when it came to cheeses, this dude ACTUALLY FUCKING ASKED WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PEPPERJACK AND "THAT ONE RIGHT THERE" IS. Look, if you don't know the difference, then it doesn't matter. The woman at the counter managed to convey that pepperjack is spicy by pointing at it and saying something that resembled "hot" yet it managed to rhyme with 'bumper'. Ya got me?! After making a bunch of noises indicating (I assume at least) his brain was processing this new information he settled on, I believe the pepperjack. The woman asked him if he wanted it toasted, and this was the only thing he was sure of, as he nodded and verbally confirmed that toasting was to his liking (because he was so sure of himself you see). By this point I was already annoyed, if for anything else because this moron is exactly why democrats think its best if the Federal government makes decisions for everybody. Plus it was beginning to dawn on me that as soon as his sandwich was done being toasted, he was going to have to determine what veggies and shit he wants on this labor of confusion.

And oh jesus fucking god. Now I actually made a point to rattle my order off really quickly because I hoped against all hope that this might tip this guy off that I was in somewhat of a hurry. The word 'futility' comes to mind in retrospect. This guy literally gazed at every single fucking thing and made sure each little bucket (container? Retainer? Bowl? I don't know what the fuck those things that hold the veggies in Subway are called) got some sort of noise indicating his interest or disdain. He also made sure he pointed at every single item just so we know what exactly was confusing him I guess. So he'd point at the lettuce and go "Ummmm errrrrm ehhhhhh eeeeeee oooooo" and then "Just a little bit 'o lettuce", and then onto the jalepenoes and "errrr ummmmm okay eeeee rrrrrraaaa" and over to tomatoes "errrr aaaahhh eeee duuuuuh Tomatoes!". This literallly continued for every single fucking piece of food he could have piled on. And to top it off, I think he actually only got tomatoes and lettuce on there. This of course didn't stop him from asking our english challenged sandwich artist what shit was he didn't know. So this poor woman had to figure out a way to tell him those are banana peppers when I'm quite certain she didn't know the english version of either word that comprises the name of that veggie. I think whatever she told him it was sounded more like "hogan's heroes" than "banana peppers" which only appeared to confuse this prick even more.

I thought once this whole act came to pass he'd be home free and the one chick working the counter could go on to putting shit on my sandwich (I was waiting for it to get out of the toaster). Oh hell no, we still had the sauces! He had to know which one the Chipotle Southwest shit was. So the lady held it up for him. Nope, not white enough. "HOw about eerrrrrrm eeeeeem, do you guys have light mayo?" "errrrrrm, weeee eeeeem, uuuuuuhhhh okay hooooooooooow aboooooooooooooouuuuuuut dijon mustard". So his highness got some fucking dijon mustard. Oh but what is this parmesian and pepper you speak of? Goddamit!!!! Those two fucking shakers also prompted one of his non-linguistic verbal assaults and I think he finally decided on neither.

Just fucking shoot me.

Look people, can we as a nation go ahead and get this fucking shit straightened out? If you are at a subway (or any restaurant with a patron line and a food assembly line), figure out what the fuck you want before you get up to the counter. Subway has gone out of their way to accomodate your dumbass with a huge menu, and even some suggestions that people of your ilk seem to enjoy. PICK SOMETHING!