Thought Sausage

This was brought to my attention today. This guy is such a fucktard that he's offensive.
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Besides the fact this guy sounds and looks like a caveman, I'm seriously having a tough time determining if this is legit. A $900,000 "music tour" (music tour?)? WTF is that? Now granted, in my days piling in a van, our burn rate on the road was more along the order of $100 per week, but bands we played with that had major label money behind them burned up to 300k a month and they sure as FUCK didn't have "5 star accomodations". I suppose their "internet downloading capabilities" weren't on par with Diamond Dave's studio either.

As if that video weren't enough, check out this guy's website (written in caveman-esque as well): http://diamondstudio.spaces.msn.com/ Basically, a stroll through the photo gallery of Diamond Dave's website made me spit beer all over my monitor more than once. The fact he took pains to take a picture of the Digidesign logo on his outboard little mixer really makes me think this might be a huge joke.

If that weren't bad enough, Diamond Dave also made a video to give you a tour of your hotel accomodations, which curiously look like a timeshare condo (WARNING: its very difficult to actually watch this the whole way through)
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Now, I'm not trying to knock a guy for promoting his project studio. But there's promoting, and then there's all out bullshit. Diamond Dave falls well into the latter.

Bill Maher has made my shitlist. I never really liked the guy. His sense of humor is about as dry as that geeky kid who sat in front of you in high school math class that tried his 'topical' humor out on you. His show is about as edgy as Cher live in concert, and he seems to be making a career out of spouting off as many "so-last-week" one-liners against the right wing as can be crammed into whatever spigot of exposure the man can muster in a given week. There are some seriously witty left wing peeps out there. Bill Maher ain't one of 'em. Put this guy in the same room as Jello Biafra or Henry Rollins for a half hour and you'd probably open the door to find Jello and Henry laughing their asses off while Bill sits in the corner in a fetal position sucking his thumb. Of course, that's the sort of thing that happens when you put two scamps who got their starts fronting bands called THE DEAD KENNEDYs and BLACK FLAG against a guy who got his start in a movie with Gene Simmons Wife called Cannibal Women in the Green Avacado Jungle of Death. Dorkussayswhat?

I've long since come to the conclusion that the secret to being a successful talking head on either side of the fence is to figure out how out-there and unrealistic you can make yourself appear to be, and eventually, there will be money at the end of the path. Ann Coulter is the same way (these two assclowns used to date too if you can believe that). I would wager even though neither of these people have an iota of the education John Shelby Spong, who actually has a genuine liberal message, they sell 10x as many books. I think this is largely due to the fact that America has been so bombarded with dribble and nonsense that they've reduced to levels of apathy where they actually _prefer_ talking heads like Bill Maher over seeking out messages from people that actually have something to say. This same argument is how I explain why more people watch professional wrestling in America than soccer.

So fast forward to last night. Bill Maher was on Jay Leno. So was Floyd Landis (and Stone Sour was the musical guest, which is why I was watching Leno in the first place). Bill came out and said the same little one-liners he's said about George Bush he's been saying for 2 years now (picking on the president the way Bill Maher does is like picking on a retarded kid...you'd think he'd try to say something fresh since its, well, not that hard).

Enter Floyd. Mr. Landis, for those of you who don't know, won the Tour De France this year. However, it was revealed two days later that he had abnormally high levels of testoserone in his drug test. Furthermore, they re-tested him (well actually, they retested the sample) and once again, he failed the test. So obviously its looking like the odds are he's done some doping. There's a lot of points on both side of the fence, but basically, Floyd is out doing the rounds in the media to explain his point of view. Leno was pretty nuetral. Floyd didn't really say anything that made me lean one way or the other. Bill sat there quietly the whole time, but started mumbling every so often. Perhaps its because I empathize with Floyd because I can imagine how much negative press he's probably getting bombarded with. To his credit, the guy managed to keep a positive vibe about himself the whole show. Perhaps its because I just got done riding a bike across a state with 30,000 other riders who most definitely give a shit about cycling. But when Bill Maher cut Floyd off mid sentence and blurted out:

"WHY ARE WE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TALKING ABOUT A SPORT NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT?!!"

I wanted to punch that asshole in his arrogant little pussy. Bill then went on this rant about how cycling is the most boring event ever (cos you know, Politically Incorrect is so goddamned action-packed). He's lucky I didn't win the tour de france, fail two piss tests and end up on Leno because I probably would have. Floyd had a look of disbelief on his face, the audience made some sort of gasp noise and even Jay told Bill that wasn't cool. Then they proceeded to make a bunch of jokes about how Bill has never passed a drug test in his life.

Seriously who the fuck is Bill impressing with shit like that? First of all, that absolutely is untrue, cycling is huge. Globally, its the 3rd most watched sport in the world behind Formula racing and soccer. Secondly, who the fuck is Bill Maher to step on Floyd's dick while he's out talking about something far more current (cos it took place last week, not two months ago) than Bill ever has.

Bill Maher is just as big an attention whore as every pundit on the right, and he almost annoys me even more because he thinks he's funny. At least on the right, those pundits are funny because they think they are serious. Maher just plain annoys me. Witness this zinger from last night:

"You know the sad thing about Terry Schiavo is that after the plug was pulled, another brain dead woman actually gave birth. I was stunned. About the only thing I could say was 'congratulations Britney'"

He then put his hand up to his mouth and sort of ducked his head, as if he had just said something way more edgy and offensive than anything the general public had heard lately. If by general public, he means Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and other people who haven't been alive for the past two years, I would say he might be onto something.

Congrats Bill, I don't even have a video for you, but you officially have earned the Dave McAnally 'Fucktard of the Week' award.

Take everything you knew about political fucktards and throw it out the window. Katherine Harris from Florida trumps all. This week, she announced in Miami (Miami of all places?) that voters need to elect Christian politicians or else secular politicians will "legislate sin". Sin, according to Katherine and her god include gay marriage and abortion. You expect to hear shit like this from talking heads like Michael Medved, but from an actively campaigning politician? In the coke capital of the country? Dear baby jesus....

Click here for the article and a particularly bitchy country-club-membership-havin' picture of Katherine.

Her campaign attempted a damage control by pointing out that Katherine was addressing a christian audience, whom apparently were completely flustered by the notion of seperation of church and state. Among the gems Katherine apparently threw out include:

-our founding fathers did not envision a secular nation (lucky for us, they did envision a nation that could adjust to social and technological advancements relatively quickly and painlessly. I doubt the founding fathers envisioned a nation that would have an "air force", "NAACP" or "internet" either)

-"If you are not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin" (I love how the article goes on to point out this same woman has come under fire for accepting 32k in illegal campaign contributions...wasn't there some character that got paid to rat out Jesus in that big 'ol bible? Peter something or other? Didn't that guy hang himself?).

-My personal favorite: "(katherine was) speaking to a Christian audience, addressing a common misperception that people of faith should not actively be involved in the government". I'm sorry but, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? What the fuck God-judges-sinners-this and Jesus-loves-me-that Christian doesn't have an opinion on political EVERYTHING? Christians have been poking their ass in legislation that affects them in no way whatsoever (re: gay marriage, abortion) ever since the government attempted to officially separate church and state. Unless you've been living under a political rock for the past 6 years, you are no doubt aware that the GOP would basically be non-existant if it weren't for the legions of god-fearing-faggot-hating-album-censoring pumping money/support into it.

Katherine (since I'm sure you read this), its like this dig? Your "Judeo-Christian" values aren't being held in question by any non-christian politicians (you share a party with a few Jewish representatives). You represent thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of non-christians in your state including muslims, jews, buddists, agnostics who really don't give a fuck (and shouldn't have to) what goes on with you and baby haysoos. They voted for you to represent them (well, at least we think they did, I heard something about a recount in 2000 that many suspect was corrupt, who was that? Oh wait...). Your lack of representing 'we the people' with bullshit statements like the ones in that article are what engender the 'non-christian' crowd to shun the church in the first place.

All in all, it looks like it'll be curtains for Katherine in November anyway....good fucking riddance.

I believe Maddox waxed poetic about "xtreme" marketing in America. Basically the concept is that you take something like Gatorade, add the term "Xtreme" in front of it, and all of a sudden some new amazing ground breaking product is afoot.

Lots of people will say America has gotten a tad insane in the way they choose products to purchase over the years. But one unavoidable fact in today's world of commerce is that an "Extreme Tickle Me Elmo" is pure unadulterated class one grade A BULLSHIT:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14904938/

Amongst the marketing-speak in there, which really tells you nothing about the product itself, we learn that the "technology" behind a doll that slaps its knee and rolls around laughing maniacally is very advanced. Advanced compared to what? I don't know. But this guy's (who I assume is an adult) insight on the "extreme tickle me elmo" is well, see for yourself:

"“With today’s technology, this one is even more incredible,” Friedman said. “You really have to see it to believe it.”"

Okay, I never got the memo where we all decided Tickle Me Elmo was "incredible" in the first place. From the way that reads, if you didn't know the context, you'd think this guy is talking about a plasma TV or some new highly advanced blow up doll. But what makes it more "incredible"? According to the article:

"He’s still red, fuzzy and really ticklish, but now Elmo’s laughing fits have him slapping his knee, falling to the floor, rolling over and pounding his arm."

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmk

Now I'm not going to begrudge Mattel for selling products. But there's marketing a product and there's out and out bullshit. T.M.X. (Tickle Me Extreme) Elmo falls squarely into the latter.

I realized I hadn't posted a fucktard in a little while. Today I also realized I'll never be in a shortage of said fucktards so long as there is YouTube and I can type "keytar" into its search bar...

Coming soon to an 'art performance venue' near you. Mothers lock up your daughters!

Yes...he's talking about, and doing, and posted exactly what it looks like he's doing

Instant formula for trailer trash...there ya go.

50 bucks says this guy has been on Cops at least once. And I'm willing to bet another 10 he is a card carrying member of the Kiss Army and thinks the 1983 Firebird was the greatest thing in the history of things.

He's an internet marketing genius. No really he is. Check out the super amazing made-for-adsense website machine. Life does get better when you move out of your parents house too doesn't it?

UPDATE: Oh dear fucking god this is like a tragic tragic accident. I just checked out the book he's plugging on his Earn 6 Figures website (I'm not going to bother giving him the link pop). I wouldnt' begrudge somebody for plugging themselves by fudging a bit, but this is out and out bullshit (not to mention that he couldn't possibly look like any more of a douchebag than in that pic on the site). Of course as Adam pointed out, this guy probably sells a ton of these books since 95% of the population doesn't know SEO from a 2x4 upside the head. Although I guess if you want to avoid a "Google slap" (really?) you gotta get your SEO Mindset swerve on (seriously?).

Thanks Failblog!

The Burger King in Xenia Ohio

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You know, I never did figure out how you "trigger the fireworks". Guess this guy ain't gonna be seeing me in Orlando.

During lunchtime the Subway by my office gets super busy. It creates huge lines and allows for a study on how big of a douche bag people can be while ordering a sandwich (today was particularly busy because they are shooting a movie out on the street, so here comes all the union tools). The following is a list of instructions from start to finish on everything needed to be a complete and total douche bag jackass while ordering a sandwich. For the record..this entire step by step act was performed by a single individual in front of me just now.

1. Whatever you do, don't decide what you want until you get to the front of the line.

2. When the person (who won't speak an iota of English) asks you what you want, act as if you've never set foot in a subway. Extra points for using terminology not associated with Subway (large instead of footlong, burger instead of sandwich). Ask what specials they have, despite the fact they are in huge posters 4 feet in front of you. Also be sure to ask what types of bread are available even though the fucking loaves are right in front of you. Labor over this decision for at least five seconds. Be sure to change your mind and ask for a footlong after the bread-selecting technician (or whatever this position is called) has cut the loaf

3. Stand with your back arched and hands on hips to convey a smug and patronizing sense of self satisfaction.

4. When asked if you'd like it toasted, be sure to ask if "it comes with the sandwich". Bonus points if you ask one of the English challenged employees this because they will not understand the question and will be completely at a loss on how to respond. This is super important if there are more than 10 people in line behind you.

5. When asked what kind of cheese you want, be sure to ask 'what's available'. After you are told what's available, be sure to ask about a type of cheese they don't have. "Do you have cheddar?" Clearly, if they had cheddar, they'd be hording it and preventing all the "other customers" from eating it. Otherwise, pretend like you live in some strange territory where Subways offer cheddar on sandwiches.

6. Ask again what cheese types they have

7. Repeat step 5 at least twice mixing up flavors only once (come back to Cheddar on the third go-around)

8. Look at your watch as if you're in a hurry

9. Answer your cell phone

10. Whatever happens, from here on out, don't disrupt the conversation to get the order through. It is of critical importance that nobody understands exactly who you are talking to.

11. DO NOT under any circumstances, let the 'sandwich artist' put anything on your sandwich without uttering the phrase "Oh okay, let's see, what are all the toppings here" as if you are ordering an ice cream cone. Use your index finger to point at all of them.

12. Name the "toppings" as the person is putting them on. It's best to assume the individual who is taking orders has never worked a lunch-rush and is incapable of remembering more than one item at a time. Example: "Lettuce" (wait for them to put lettuce on), "Tomatoes" (wait for the tomatoes), (insert pause), "Banana peppers (wait for them to put the banana peppers on) (insert vocalized pause..Aka "ummmmmmm", then proceed to tell the person on the phone that you are ordering a sandwich) and so on...

13. When it comes to sauces and shit, be sure to say you want "a little bit of mayo" followed by extra oil and vinegar. This will let everyone behind you know that you don't actually know anything about how to cut fat off a sandwich, but have heard thin people say "little bit of mayo" so your portly ass wants to be in with that crowd.

14. Go back and ask for a vegetable that you previously glazed over

15. Now as for "just a little bit of ranch"

16. Hold your hand out as if to mime "stop" while you wrap up the call you are still on

17. When you get to the cashier, completely forget what kind of sandwich you ordered

18. Wait for the person who put it in the bag to inform the cashier what you had

19. Ask if "It is one of the 5 dollar "features""

20. Bitch about how the double meat Philly cheese steak isn't on the 5 dollar menu

21. After the cashier rings up your sandwich, inform him that "Oh she's got mine" (because of course you'd make your little lady friend pay for it)

22. After this financial arrangement is agreed upon tack on "a large iced tea and two chocolate chip cookies" to your order even though the little self-service fountain station is 3 feet to your immediate left.

23. Look incredulously at the empty cup in front of you

24. Go fill up your iced tea

25. Walk out of the store before your lady friend even gets her change

I think we can all agree that all other fucktards are chumps in the wake of Michael Angelo Batio. This guy has the market cornered. It is literally impossible to Google or Youtube this guy and not come back with him doing something preposterously idiotic.

That said, I think every meeting where things are getting boring - I will stand up and announce "I'm gonna just shut up, and play TWO guitars!" and start playing air guitar and making the faces he makes

Or complete name win.

You decide. (heh heh heh)

Please tell me the HR and President positions are occupied by women.

Fair warning: You'll want to avoid watching this if you haven't had some coffee or smoke or whatever you do first thing in the morning.

the word "problems" seems to resonate quite well with this woman.

Their furniture is perfect for a black person, or a white person!

It seems like facebook has been my MO for status updates. I will keep this updated soon.

In the meantime, another "Kick Me in the Balls" club charter member:

To all gay community college students in the A/V club...just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean you should.

This is a fitting tribute (go to 1:45)

Let be a lesson to all Delorean Repos out there

BUSINESSES, NEED TO LIKE, LOWER THEIR RENT AND STUFF

Coming soon to a Rage Against the Machine or Coldplay concert near you

He sings like he means it.

Coming soon to sports bar karaoke near you

(tumbleweeds)

Yeah it's been awhile. I've had enough people tell me I shouldn't abandon this thing (not that I was going to), but the muse seems to have struck me again. I've been busy though and I do have my other blog. Most of the time, I've been posting the incredibly stupid shit i find on the tubes on Facebook...but the longform is not without its charms.

Anyway, meet Mark Driscoll. The rootin'est tootin'est hipster god fearing pastor ever to walk the mean streets of Seattle. Turns out he's been around for awhile, but finally came across my radar. As much as you'd think otherwise, Mark doesn't actually work for the Hurt Locker producers, but is in actual fact convinced that Satan makes movies like Avatar so you don't worship god, but rather the whole hippie dippie nature trip Avatar is all about.

After this video, I did some researching on Mark and found out he's some sort of calvinist hipster pastor who says dirty words and attracts a shitload of would-be stoners and goth kids to his church which happens to be a former nightclub. He's made a lot of fans over at Seattle Weekly...which has spawned a lot of amusing editorials. I've long since had a theory that mega church pastors end up saying controversial things because they thrive on the attention. This guy is no different...but ya gotta give him credit, his whole "MY JEEBUS AIN'T NO FAGGOT!!" schtick is nothing if not original. Point of Fact: when you preach about how there's a devil that is constantly trying to get you to worship false idols and follow false icons all while wearing a Mickey Mouse T-Shirt , you've reached some sort of pompous-ass event horizon. Can't really go anywhere after that.